Living In the Moment

It is 5 AM and I have been awake since 3.  Partially due to increasing nausea and my new obsession with this pregnancy, and partially due to excitement as I consider the future.  I have so much to look forward to!

• Starting a master's degree program (if I get accepted)


• Receiving my Zumba instructor certification


• Mothering my 2 (maybe 3!) beautiful children


• Loving on my incredibly sexy husband

As I look at my growing belly (that isn't actually growing, it has just remained pregnant-like since my last miscarriage and when I gained that 20 lbs from birth control), I think of my two healthy children sleeping upstairs.  The trials, the successes, the sadness, the joy, it's all part of this parenting ride.  While there are moments when I want to pull my hair out, I am learning that many of these come from my own insecurities and fears.  The more I discover about myself--my strengths and weaknesses--the more content I feel when it comes to the many roles I play.

I still have much to improve on but I feel excited as I consider the many possibilities that positive change brings.

And so I am happy to announce that I am heeding all your advice and thinking of this pregnancy as a day by day experience.  I will probably have many pokes and probes in the future, all of which determining how the pregnancy is continuing, and I am realizing there is no need in worrying over every little thing.  That's my doctor's job.  Instead, I will be joyful for the experience I have gained and intent on putting it to good use, whatever the outcome.

Feeling Free, Feeling Good

After a considerably hard weekend, I decided to take two days off from work.  Sickness and pain were my nemeses and I had only one remedy: sleep.  I also made some dietary changes and limited my food to saltines and soup with the occasional sandwich.  For whatever reason, these switches have positively impacted my after miscarriage stuff. While I am still feeling slightly ill, the back pain is almost gone and my mind is just about free of fog.

It's strange, really, to have these excessive emotional highs and lows--to go from hating life to feeling excited for tomorrow.  Hell, I'll take the positives, they keep me going and my world incredibly interesting. Eh, I guess I can handle the lows if they make life exciting and this couldn't be possible if there isn't one (or two, or 10) sh***y day a week.  I know because my Guide to Life says so.

(What is my Guide to Life?  Well let me tell you.  Nah, I'll just redirect you.) (This book is on a pedestal in my household and we read from it religiously.  RELIGIOUSLY I say.  It's my replacement bible.)

(Speaking of the bible, Emily comes home singing new Christian songs that she has learned in preschool about once a week.  My favorite is God Is Great. She sings this every meal time while Ben and I sit and laugh.  It's just so darn cute!  Also, she doesn't like it if I try to change the lyrics to "Emily is great!" or something similar.  I guess she thinks I'm being cynical.  Where would she get that idea?)

ANYWAY.

If my life were a musical, I would be singing "The Hills Are Alive" or "Defying Gravity." If only I could attach wires from my brain to the TV so my amazing thoughts could be transmitted to the BIG SCREEN.   Picture this:  Me, in a beautiful dress, singing and dancing my way through life.  It would be priceless.  And entertaining.  Mostly entertaining.

(Have I mentioned that Emily dances like a Hip Hop star?  I guess my regular Zumba work-outs HAVE taught her something.  Like how to shake her hips and booty.  I feel slightly guilty in encouraging her but, frankly, it's hilarious to see my 3-year-old shaking her thing better than most pop stars do.)

AHEM.

I return to work today and I feel like doing some jumping jacks--I am THAT excited.

Is this what feeling free--from anger--is like?  If so, I really like it.