Repose

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

I trudge through the snow pushing the double stroller back home from the library.  The kids, bundled up in various assortments of coats, hats, and blankets, point out objects of entertainment.

"A red truck, Mommy!" squeals a delighted Emily.

"Dada, Mama, Jump!" adds Andrew.

We breathe in the delightful scents of leaves fallen off trees, the pine cones of Evergreens, and the fresh scent of fallen snow (that is to say the air is free of smoggy residue and, therefore, scentless).   The noise of passing cars is barely noticeable as I push the stroller through serene neighborhoods.

While I engage the kids with multifarious questions, I ponder my current situation.  My habit to load up the stroller when I feel my mental capacities buckling under the overwhelming (or so my mind thinks) pressures; my tendency to lose my head when a child wakes up early from a nap (or refuses to take one) or busies herself in naughty behaviours; and my inability to confront certain places (ahem, internet) without feeling fear, with a dash of dread and a heavy side of guilt, because I am convinced of my personal inadequacies and failures.

My intense desires to be at home with my children and provide a loving, safe, and education-rich environment juxtapose with my acute longing to run away--whether to the workplace, school, or another state--from the battles being fought inside my head supposedly because of my occupation as a stay-at-home mom.

Rather than hide from these devilish thoughts, I tenuously chose to accost my enemy this last week as a knight would duel his foe. I stayed away from friends--on-line and in real life--because I knew this fight would need my full strength.

At this point it would be natural to interpose "and in the end," except that an ending doesn't exist.  With this war, the battles are waged daily--some I win, some I lose.  However, I am emerging as victor more often than as conquered.

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

The birds chirp, the leaves stir, and the kids continue with their endless chatter.   I open my eyes a little wider and notice the contrast between this day and the last: the pressure in my chest has lifted and I feel as light as the wind.  And though it is cold outside, I feel the warmth of this knowledge spreading through my limbs and the beginnings of a bounce to my step.

With guarded optimism, I embrace the changes and look forward to days filled with more hope and less fear.

Insanity Is My Middle Name

I want to have six children.   I have always wanted a big family, and when Ben and I got married, we agreed that six sounds like a nice number.  All right, we actually wanted more initially but my first pregnancy kind of scared us.  Besides, I want to be done before I turn thirty.  Yeah, before. I have plenty of reasons behind my choice, but I'll limit it to the top five.

1. Youth.  Frankly, pregnancy is difficult.  Since I have a family history of pregnancy complications, I am hoping that starting and finishing young will keep them away.

2. Money.  Since we don't have money, our options are limited.  It's great! I don't worry about setting up a nursery, buying cool toys, or getting new clothes.  I shop at used stores and set up the Pac N' Plays in our tiny second bedroom when new babies arrive!  The awesome thing is, the babies don't care.  Heck, they'd sleep in a box if I let them.  (Which I don't.  Obviously.)

3.  Travel.  We don't travel (reason # 2) But, because we are young (reason #1), the last kid will leave the house by the time we are fifty.  Fifty. That leaves Ben and me plenty of time for world traveling.  And we will even have money to spend.

4. Education.  I graduated with my bachelor's degree and plan on pursuing a Masters sometime in the future.  Because I am young (reason #1), my options are not limited.  Once Ben is established in his career, the kids will have started school, and I will have time to attend classes.

5. Health.  My body bounces back quickly after each pregnancy.  It helps that I only gain 15-20 pounds.  (Hyperemesis Gravidarum does have its positive points.)   I actually weigh less now than before I was married.  I know that as I age, this may change, but I am counting on reason #1 to keep my body in line.

Ahh, who am I kidding.  The real reason is that I want more just like these two.

Finishing the 10 Things List

Hi friends.  My little guy has  been doing better and I am now back to my usual perky and silly self.  Or maybe that's because it's Friday.  You all know what Friday means right? Date night!! Okay, here it really means going out to eat.  Our weekly ritual.  It is what keeps me cooking during the week.

Moving on.

About that 10 things list, let's see, I have 7 items left, right?  Anyone been counting?  Well, I say 7 items so 7 items it is.  I know I was going to do a day-to-day list, but my attention span is very slight.  Thus, I became rather bored with that idea. So, here's a nice, smooth bulleted list of my last 7 things.

• I often write comments and posts that are not completed thoughts.  Usually by the time I sit down to blog, I have only a few minutes so I am rushing through my comments before one of the kids wakes up.  Now you know why half my comments on your blog probably don't make sense.  And why I jump around from freakishly happy to mournfully sad posts.  Sorry about that.


• I am paranoid about hand washing.  I wash my hands AT LEAST 20 times a day.  If I know you don't wash your hands (after using the restroom or changing diapers, that is), I will most likely not ask you to watch my kids (lucky you),  won't eat at your house,  and will avoid letting you hold my babies.  Yes, it is that bad.


• Hand washing isn't my only tick.  If I find a piece of hair in my food, my appetite will vanish.  It will take me a few months to make that food again let alone eat it.


• We don't have a dishwasher so I am extremely anal about how my dishes are cleaned.  I don't let Mr. B (or anyone else for that matter) wash the dishes because I know I will wash them again and I don't want to hurt his feelings.  Hey, at least I have a heart, right?


• We furnished our whole apartment with $300.   We went to hundreds of garage sales within a 2-month period, searching for the right furniture--kitchen table, queen sized bed and mattress, couches, end tables, bookshelves, desks, and dressers.  Obviously, our furniture does not match but, by golly, they are comfortable and make our apartment look cozy.


• I will do laundry all week long and pile it up on our big couch.  By the end of the week,  there is no where to sit on said couch.  Classy, huh?


• Mr. B's real name is......Ben. I know, I know, we all have really plain names.  I am getting used to it now.

Now that I have virtually unclothed myself I am going to hide in my closet, er, I mean bedroom (I can't fit in my closet).

10 Things You Don't Know About Me: The Queen's Name

The Queen's name was chosen long before she was born. 4 years to be exact.

When B and I agreed we were going to get married,  we started discussing girl and boy names.  We had this image of having a girl first, followed by twin boys (obviously we were wrong on the twin boys!).  We threw out certain girl names and quickly agreed on one.

Once we were married, and expecting our first, we knew it was a girl. Without hesitation, we began calling our soon-to-be baby girl by her chosen name.

Emily.

While pregnant with Emily, I dreamed about her.  Often.  My dreams reflected my desires for she was often a cute, little thing.

When she was born, she was a cute, little thing.

And she has remained a cute, little thing.  By little, I mean 5th percentile little.  I'm pretty sure her brother is going to pass her up in weight soon.

My 6 lbs. 13 oz. girl



is now a 20 lb. wild (little) thing.



I know she was sent down first for a reason.  She has patiently taught me many things about being a mother.  Her independence made it possible for me to finish school.  And, her sweet nature has made having a close sibling easier.

This girl has taught me that I am always behind.  I do something like install a gate to barricade her entrance into the kitchen and she soon finds a way to break in anyway.  She is always one step ahead of me.

Yet, this curiosity has enabled her to learn things fast.  Even though I am often exhausted by the end of the day from chasing her around,  I wouldn't have it any other way.

Besides, who could resist a little girl with eyes like these?



I sure can't.

I Hate to Burst Your Bubble.....

but, I'm not perfect.

What?!!?! You Don't Have Cable?  I Wish I Were As Strong As You!

We may not have cable, but we have an on-line Netflix account that we log into daily (thanks, Mom!).  (Oh Netflix, how I love thee!)  If I wanted to, I could watch a full season's episodes of certain television shows.  I prefer to watch movies. As for the Queen,  when I am fixing dinner or trying to clean,  she watches Blue's Clues or the Jimmies.  Hey, I need her to stay out of things as much as the next Mom.

In that post, I didn't mention another reason for not having cable: I was afraid of the temptation.  I already spend inordinate amounts ignoring my children by blogging that I don't need another media outlet to distract me.  When thinking about getting cable all I envisioned myself in front of the television telling the Queen to stop playing so I could hear the TV.  I am already too absorbed in my own thoughts that I didn't need something to make me more mentally absent.

All You Need is Balance!

As Kristen mentioned,  one of my favorite words is balance.  At least it used to be.  I am still trying to achieve balance in my life,  but I am learning to let some things slide.

I used to dream of being the perfect mom, wife, and woman every night.  A mom whose attention is more focused on her children and not the internet.  A wife who doesn't get angry or become resentful with her husband over silly things.  A woman who doesn't excuse away her profession because of shame.

I am beginning to accept that perfection is not expected of me.  I will constantly be searching for balance.  I am just not as stuck on it as I used to be.

I Am Feeling Pretty Lazy These Days

I once wrote about waking up at 5 am to work out.  Oh the responses I got! Well, that regime lasted a total of 3 weeks.  I realized that when I began to dread the morning something needed to change. I am still working on that change.

I used to love the mornings.  I would rather wake up early than stay up late to finish an assignment.  I loved to watch the sun rise.  After I had children my schedule became whacked.  Right now, Manly enjoys staying awake until 1 or 2 AM.  Rather than resent his night time preference, I make a party out of it!  This only makes mornings that much harder.

Comments, Comments, Comments!!

Your thoughts on comments really made me think.  Thank you for expressing your opinions and validating my own need for comments.  Want to know a secret?  I'm kind of afraid of comments.  What if you tell me I'm wrong?  Point out my grammatical errors? Or, worse, express amazement at something I'm doing?

These fears are best faced head on. I guess blogging is a form of bravery, huh?

I think that is enough for today.  When I feel that you are once again putting me on some pedestal,  I will add to this list.  Hey, I may even have something substantial for you tomorrow!