A Big Slobbery Thank You

It just so happens that I forgot to mention one major culprit in my emotional drama of last week: Miss Flow.  While I am grateful for this physical reminder of my fertility, I can't exactly gush about how she messes up my emotions.  Everything seems much more dramatic when she visits.

I recovered a bit of my spice over the weekend.  Your comments were a gigantic help in reminding me of the support group I have.   As much as days like those suck, it feels less overwhelming when I know that other people can relate.  Reading your comments while drinking Diet Dr. Pepper certainly alleviated much of the sadness I felt.

In case I forget how incredibly lucky I am, let me list a few things that made me smile this weekend.



Watching this little girl canter and twirl around our living room.

Feeling her sweet, slobbery kisses on my cheek.

Smiling as she sings little songs about me, Ben, and her little brother.



Tickling his numerous rolls.

Listening to his little baby noises.

Feeling like the greatest mom in the world as he smiles and laughs when I walk into the room.

Finally, all of you.  Your kind words of support.  Your wise suggestions.  Your digital hugs.  I really am a lucky gal.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

What's Up With the Balance?

After reading all of your responses to my balance question, I decided to try various suggestions and see what works for me.

I can tell you one thing: mornings do not work.  At least not yet.  My sweet little boy does not cooperate with my well intended plans.  He prefers to wake up every hour or so from midnight until 7 am.  Apparently he is trying to tell me that I must either a) go to bed earlier or b) sleep in later.  Going to bed early is a great idea; however, dear husband does not come home until late.  If I want a few moments of alone time with Ben, I must give up something else.  I choose to give up and early bed time.  A small sacrifice, really.

At this point in my little guy's life, it is silly to expect so much from myself.   He and I are still figuring each other out.  So, I am no longer sticking to the blogging while napping thing.  At least not exclusively.  Let's face it--naps are not as scheduled as they once were.  Giving myself little "bloggy breaks" every now and then are okay.  As many of you mentioned, it's okay for kids to learn to entertain themselves.

As for being present?  I am going to quote from an e-mail my dear friend sent me.

"Somehow, we've come to believe that we should enjoy every moment of parenting. A lot of parenting - even cute cuddly babies or adorable toddlers SUCKS. It's grunt work. It's exhausting. It's physical. It's unending. IT'S WORK.

It doesn't mean you don't love your babies with every breath in your body. It's just that it's difficult to DO it - especially when you don't get a lot of relief - day in and day out."

Like most people, I put a lot of pressure on myself.  I expect to be the perfect parent, housekeeper, wife, friend, and woman.  Deep down I know this is unrealistic and even maniacal, yet those desires remain.  As I fail and fail pieces of my self-worth break off and shatter.  It seems hopeless,  because it is.

I have a husband who is in school.  He is gone frequently.  And, this will not change.  It will most likely get harder before it gets easier.  The high expectations I have set for myself are impossible.

To break free from this prison of hopeless expectations, I am learning to listen to those promptings that can help guide my actions.  Naturally, this is a tough thing.  It requires that I let go of my pride and humbly accept the help that is being offered from those around me.   "Those" meaning my husband, my friends, the Lord, and all of you.

Today was a rough day.  Little sleep, early morning appointments, and refused naps lowered my spirit.  But, in between the hard parts, there were tender mercies.  A random giggle from Andrew, a sweet kiss from Emily, a thoughtful call from Ben, and some appreciated e-mails added together to remind me that the tense moments are generally small and easily forgotten when I focus on how blessed I really am.

Dreary and Dark Vs. Cheery and Bright

I was going to talk about the awards I have received lately, but I can't.  Not today.  Today is a day for reflection.

I was glancing through my blog stats,  smiling over the Google searches that landed some unsuspecting soul into my blogging world, when I saw a phrase that caught my breath: tired of being a mother.

I was instantly transported back to the day I wrote that post.

Motherhood, for me, is like a roller coaster.  Once I have begun that thrilling ride down the ramp, opened my eyes, lifted my arms confidently, I reach the bottom and look up, terrified by the apex of the roller coaster.

I had reached the bottom that day.  I felt deflated.  Unsure of where to go, who to turn to, and how to handle the cries of my babies.  I did the one thing I knew would bring relief: I wrote.  I described the emotions tearing apart my sanity.  I, unknowingly, cried out for help.  And I found comfort.

I have been sailing down the ramp these past few weeks, feeling confident in my mothering abilities.  Yet,  that day has hovered around my consciousness.  Reminding me that I will inevitably feel its tortuous bond, cutting deep into my psyche, leaving me to limp slowly around my apartment, unaware of my babies' needs.

Today, though, I look around my messy apartment.  Frowning that I picked it up just yesterday and smiling at the proof entropy's existence.  Irritated that I put Manly down for a nap, only to have him wake up moments later, ticked at me for putting him down rather than holding him.  Glad that the Queen is happily engaged in "reading" her favorite story book.

Negative emotions, positive emotions, each coming and going.
Reminding me that I am human, that I am alive, that I am blessed.

To that lady who is tired of being a mother, I promise that it will pass.  Find a friend (or a dozen!), shed a few (or a hundred) tears, and take a nap.  Forget the messes for a day or two.  Listen to your child giggle.  Take a picture of your child's eyes.  Snuggle, snuggle, snuggle.

It may take a few days to recuperate from a dark day, but know that the sun will greet you, wipe your tears away with it's rays, and hug you tight with its warmth.  A community of wonderful mothers (and fathers) can be found on-line.  I know because I have found them.

The dreary days stand as a stark contrast to the cheery days.  A contrast that I welcome.

My Heart Is Full of Gratitude

My heart is full of gratitude today.  I tried and tried to write something poetic or philosophical but my mind kept returning to what I am thankful for.

I am thankful for a husband that respects and listens to my opinion.

I am thankful for a two healthy, beautiful children.

I am thankful for the ladies in my congregation.

I am thankful for the virtual friends I have made.

I am thankful that my adoption article was featured in Mormon Times.

I am thankful for the award that Charlotte passed on to me.

I am thankful and honored that a post of mine was recognized as a Just Post.

I am thankful that I can cook delicious meals for my family.

I am thankful for a warm apartment.

I am thankful that the weather has warmed up so that I can take my babies on walks.

I am thankful for my health.

I am thankful for wireless internet.

I am thankful that I have somewhere to write--and people to read--my thoughts.

I am thankful that because tomorrow is a holiday I get to spend all day with Mr. B.

Most of all, I am thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows me and leads me down the right path.

Do tell, what are you thankful for?

The Tale of the Gypsy Wanderer

Once upon a time, there was a gypsy named Ambrosia.

Ambrosia traveled far and wide to find her true self.  She ran to escape the demands of her daily life. On the road, she encountered fellow travelers. These travelers offered sage advice and friendship.

Feeling more understood than ever before, Ambrosia began to walk. Her journey became an adventure rather than an escape.

After a few short months, Ambrosia found herself. She turned around and walked home without any trepidation. Only with excitement.

Hello there. I used to be Ambrosia. Thanks to you (yes, even you lurking in the corner) I have found myself. There is no need to hide behind the mask I created.

I am Amber. I am a mom. A happy mom.

I recently won a battle with depression. A victory that God and you helped me achieve.

What does this victory mean?

It means that I am Amber again. I am that kind, silly girl I used to be. I am able to laugh and giggle with the Queen. I can smile and coo with Manly. I have rediscovered the funny side of life.

Strangely, I am grateful for my bout with depression. I have gained an understanding and appreciation for those who struggle with it day in and day out. I can console friends who struggle.

I have learned the importance of ups and downs in everyday life. I am not talking about the convulated ups and downs as seen in the prism of a depressed perspective, but the normal ups and downs experienced in living life.

I have days when  I feel completely knocked down followed by days of incomprehesible joy. I have silly days and sad days. Each of these are necessary. How could I see the joy if I didn't have the sorrow? How could I appreciate happiness if I didn't feel blue? It is the natural flow of living life.

Ladies (and men), thank you for aiding me in my journey.

I still have much to overcome. Days where I will feel desolate, disconsolate, melancholy, and heavyhearted.

I also have much to look forward to. Days of triumphs, bliss, felicity, and euphoria.

Through my continuous journey, I will seek your help again. The important thing is that I have learned to help myself.

Hello. I am no longer Ambrosia. I am Amber. It is nice to meet you, all of you.