Sunday, December 18, 2011

Impatiently Waiting

Sometimes I wish I could rid myself of worry.  I know that worrying is unproductive and even harmful to my pregnancy.  As my doctor said, "if you convince yourself something is impending, it will certainly happen."  So I am trying to take this day by day and celebrate little things: 1) sickness; 2) back, hip, and breast pain; and 3) exhaustion.

[I realize celebrating these things might sound silly, and completely contrary to how most pregnant women feel, but I might as well see these as good indicators rather than frustrating aspects of growing a fetus.]

However, my memories recall feeling sickness and pain and exhaustion and things not continuing like I hoped.  Even worse, the sickness did not increase like it did with Emily and Andrew, my only healthy pregnancies, and so I worry about NOT feeling sick or the sickness not getting worse.

It's this constant game of telling myself to breathe and think optimistically while holding on to that fear and having the anxiety settle within my stomach.  Deep inside, I want to fast forward 20 weeks where I could feel relatively safe.  Yet I know that is impossible and that I should enjoy the next unfolding weeks.

How can I be so patient with my kids yet so impatient with this pregnancy and myself?

Writing is my only release as tension builds up.  How can I convince my head things will be all right?  I WANT to feel that.   Somewhere in my heart I think it, I'm just having trouble convincing my mind.  And, by golly, even if it doesn't, I want to make this a terrific ride.

Will you help me?  I challenge you to throw all the positive thinking you can my way.

Ready, set, GO!


  1. No idea if this will help, so tell me to go to hell if you want, but perhaps to maintain a positive outlook, you could start planning for baby to come as though nothing had ever happened. Start thinking about when baby will arrive, look at names, maybe start calling this little thing a name. I don't know if you're at that point where you can do that, but whenever I have been jittery about things, I try to visualize myself already there and doing it or having already finished with it. I'll tell you one thing: mind over matter--willpower--is way real.

  2. Sending happy thoughts and spirit sprinkles your way!! :D

    I'll throw in a few chocolate covered smilies for good measure.

    Seriously though, I'm thinking of you.

  3. Sending some positive thoughts your way! xoxo

  4. Positive thinking: my cousin has had 3 miscarriages and is now 15 weeks pregnant and is doing well.
    Keep thinking of this baby as a sure thing and try not to worry! xoxo

  5. There is only now to live in. You can try to live in a future that hasn't happened yet, but you will be standing around gazing at the horizon, and tripping over things that are going on at your feet while you aren't looking.
    Keep it real, work with what you've got. It's easy, and sometimes tempting, to visualise things in the future as being 'just what you want', and, 'Then', you tell yourself, you'll be happy. Bigger family, finished degree, better job, kids able to do more for themselves, better figure, nicer hair... You get the idea... What about now, with everything exactly as it is. Babies still chubby and cute, and loving Mama above all else, good things that you are doing every day for other people, that are making you pleased to your fingertips to have the opportunity to do. It's all there, happening all the time. My tip, is to disengage from the future a bit - (it's coming your way soon!) and re-engage in what you're doing now. It is, after all, the life of your dreams in so many ways.

  6. And speaking of worry, why do I get concerned every time I look at the picture that is your current blog header as I type, that Emily is about to stick her finger into some sort of stainless steel industrial machine, and get it trapped? Or that Andrew, just out of frame, is about to toddle off while you are taking the photo, and I want to reach out and round him up again. You need to have a caption contest for that one, I think.

  7. Hugs and positive thoughts! What a roller coaster of a holiday season for you!

  8. I am full of positive, sticky thoughts for you. I am in awe of your courage, your honesty, your dedication and your amazing ability to parent through everything thrown your way. Amber, My fingers are crossed for you. Imagine that baby. Count on it. Maybe, just maybe, if you suspend belief in what already has happened you'll come through this one with bells ringing.

  9. Haha! That would be a great idea! I bet you could all come up with some funny ones. : )

  10. I would never tell you to "go to hell!" In this case, I think living day-to-day is going to be the best bet, but that doesn't mean I don't let the occasional future thought through. : )

  11. Sending positive thoughts your way. It takes an immense amount of moxie to parent even though your faced with constant what if's. Thinking of you. xoxo


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