Thursday, November 3, 2011

It's Not That, It's...

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.  At work, when I mention this, my co-workers tell me that my job will get better.  I respond with, "it's not that, it's my husband being in medical school."

Co-worker: "You don't get to see each other very much?"

Me: "Nope, it's not that, it's both of us having an overwhelming amount of responsibility on our shoulders."

Co-worker: "Oh but I'm sure your husband helps you."

Me: "Yes, but it's not that, it's him busy with schoolwork and me needing to step up."

Co-worker: "Oh but it will be all worth it in the end."

Friends, it's not that.  It's being swamped by bills, appointments, figuring out insurance and how to pay for it.  It's, it's it's....and, and, and.


After a while, the stones in our backpacks of responsibility pile up until we are at our breaking points.  I just hope that breaking point is not as close as I think it is, because right now?  It's hard.  It just is.

11 comments:

  1. I know my hugs won't lighten the load, but I'm sending them anyway. Hug. Hug. Hug.

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  2. I'm sorry that you're so overwhelmed! This experience is definitely a big adventure. I'm cheering you on !

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  3. It's everything. Just everything all together. I get it. I hope things get more manageable and less stressful soon.

    Sheesh. LIFE. Somebody should really do something about it.

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  4. I hope you don't reach a breaking point and your life settles into a more manageable pattern. Thinking of you! :)

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  5. If it's any consolation, Amber, "overwhelm" goes with the territory for many of us - and we don't break - and you won't either.

    When my boys were babies/toddlers, I had a full-time job, and a husband who was always gone. I was a "married" single mom and wiped out all the time. Over the years, and as we moved into a different status (divorced mom with two full-time jobs and the kids), overwhelm continued.

    Honestly? It's never really let up, but what changes is our capacity to deal with it and not compare to some idealized version of our partner self, our mother self, our worker self - or any other variant of self. With time, we learn the juggle a little better, but it's no less a pretty wearing undertaking.

    Just know you're in good company - and the feelings (and conflicts) - completely understandable.

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  6. Oh, honey, I know. The rocks pile on. Some days you just have to choose to put some down. And choosing what to put down is freeing and terrible at once. I have to remember what must be done, what I care about doing, what matters and what doesn't. So what that the light in my shower has been out for a year? Yes, someone should fix that. But we only can do what we can and I can shower in the dark. I've often hoped for just being whelmed. Wouldn't that be nice?

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  7. Yes. Sometimes it's just hard. Hang in there, friend.

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  8. Yes. It is sooo hard. And it stays hard. And 99% of life it is crappy and bad and exhausting. But 1% is just so good, that it makes up for everything. But: yes. Hard it is.

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  9. I understand. The all of it. I don't know that it gets better, but I think you get more used to operating in a state of overwhelm and uncertainty. Just keep on keepin' on.

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  10. Yep. The overwhelm is pretty intense. Here's the only thing I know to tell you: I believe in you and it's primarly because of that foot problem you have. You speak your mind. That's what's gonna save you. (I know it's embarrassing in the meantime) But it's gonna save you. I love you, Amber.

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  11. Hang in there. This too shall pass. I promise.

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