Friday, August 26, 2011

Getting Older

I don't know when it happened, but sometime between January and now, I stopped feeling afraid.  I'd like to say it was the medicine but I know medicine can only bring you to a place that allows you to address your issues.  And one of my greatest issues came with waking up and embracing each day.

I remember feeling terrified, I mean terrified, of greeting each morning.  I would tremble in bed, gasping, trying to delay the morning.  Trying to ignore my children's cries as they awoke.  Avoiding the clock, the sun, and my husband as I considered what the day might hold.

Older.  Addressing the main issues of anxiety and depression have allowed me to mature with my children.  We understand each other better every day.  They know I love them and I know they will forgive me.

I like the person I am now.  I feel more compassionate, loving, and forgiving.  I let my faults slide rather than dwell on them.

My kids are my world.  I don't want to leave them for work or school because being home fills my cup.  I see their milestones, observe as they interact, and smile as they discover new things.

I also know that I am more than "mom." I am Amber.  Being a mother is wonderful, but being Amber is more fulfilling.

Older.  Aging is hard because as the years pile up, you realize how much you have to learn.  But the wisdom gained from experience is indescribable.  For me, it allows my eyes to open and see the world from a more grounded perspective; free from stifling ideologies and separate from my mental illness.

I like getting older.  Do you?

I realize there is something missing from this space.  An important weekly writing prompt that reminds me of my parenting wins: non-judgmental parenting.  Do you remember this? Starting next week, on Wednesday, I will have a lovely post all about my amazing parenting skills.  Or at least try to pull something out of my, um, head.   I hope you will join me.  To make it easier, I will provide a weekly theme.  Stay tuned for next week's theme that I will announce on Monday.

This post is linked with The Gypsy Mama's Five Minute Friday.


  1. Hey - I like the idea of non-judgmental parenting link ups! I'll try to stop by.

    This was so lovely and honest and true. I'm glad I found you on the Gypsy Mama blog...

  2. Thank you, Adelle! It was excellent when I was regularly doing it. Ha! Now that summer is over maybe I can find my groove! Do stop by, the stuff these ladies and gents come up with is wonderful.

  3. Sadly, my anxiety has gotten worse as I've gotten older!

  4. Hmmm... I may have to pull something out too.
    I mostly like getting older. I see wisdom and courage in age. But, I have moments when I creak or ache that I wonder about the whole thing.
    My grandma-in-law always says she grew up while raising her first. I think we all shift and grow through parenting.

  5. I've worked in the social field Amber as you know since my graduation from USU back in 1999. Luckily we have many programs to try and educate the community and specifically woman about their health, bodies, etc. Unfortunately I think it all stems from the home. If children are not taught by parents that have some sort of moral compass the cycle continues. Often it's just generation after generation not teaching not instilling any type of moral characteristics in their children or now as the world touts trying to say that having morals or believing in a God immediately means you are judgemental and unfeeling and unable to see things from anyones perspective but your own. It's intresting lately I've realized we are all just here to try and overcome ourselves and our own selfishness. Being a mother can be so tough because suddenly it's no longer about yourself but these little souls God has intrusted you with. It's about getting away from our selfish tendencies and continually helping our families and others. We are literally God's hands here on earth. Without each other we'd all just I don't know blow up or something? I've always been thankful that I can only make decisions for myself ;)

  6. I've never feared getting older. I noticed after turning 40 that I just feel so much more relaxed and confident. With age comes wisdom and, for me, some more humility about all I don't know. But I like that there will always something to learn.

  7. Cathy, I completely agree. I feel excited by the amount of things I have yet to learn! As technology advances, so does human knowledge and I think this is just amazing.

  8. Hey Janae!

    I do agree with you about teaching kids in the home; however, when the home is deficient because of insufficient education of the parents, society bears the brunt of the consequences. As you said, lack of generational moral foundations is a big problem. At the same time, many of these problems are due to systematic discrimination and racism. For example, in the history of blacks in our nation, we have limited their access to good schools, jobs, and safe neighborhoods. It began in the 60's. I would highly recommend Gangland's first series for more information.

    Anyway, making decisions for oneself is important. As are teaching children to make good decisions for themselves. I guess I feel that it is also our duty, as a privileged class, to give to those who are less able to support themselves and their children.

  9. I am not there yet. Although I am not afraid of getting older, I often worry about the anticipation of outcomes with myself and my loved ones.

  10. If you're old, what does that make me? Older than God's grandparents? haha..Seriously, having had a baby to raise in my "golden" years (36) gave me 2 ideas: glad for the wisdom of my years, but missing the physical energy of my 20s. Well, at least I can still outsmart him...most of the time...
    [Can't wait for your "non-judgmental parenting" series! Got two topics already: Circumcision and Family Bed. Those always get everybody going!]


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