Sunday, October 24, 2010

Football and Spirituality

My team is not doing so hot this year.  In all my years of fanhood (something like 6), I have not witnessed such an awful season.  I believe I tempted fate by agreeing to cable, thinking it would be fun to watch our team trounce other teams.  Needless to say,  I am not having fun.

But I continue to watch their games each week.  I cheer them on, despite knowing there is only a -1% chance that they will win.  When they are losing, I stress their strengths, point out the improvements, and hope that next year these things will produce a winning season.

In many ways, I feel like my football team.  This year has been a hard one.  Colic, postpartum depression, miscarriage, loneliness, and another miscarriage have left me desperately dry.  So much so that I turned to Ben the other day and expressed, "I feel like a part of myself is missing.  The person I worked so hard to become--a loving and patient mother, a supportive and caring wife--has disappeared.  Anger, resentment, and depression have overridden my once happy existence.  I feel lost, alone, and confused."

My faith is still strong, but my self-worth has diminished.  Sure Heavenly Father will take care of His children, I tell myself, just not me.  Because I am unworthy.

I make countless mistakes during the day.  I pray, ask for forgiveness, and make the same mistakes again.  I ignore guidance while feeling increasingly sorry for myself.  During the hard times, I fail to recognize the blessings I have been given.

My record is a losing one.

Yet,  God has not given up on me.  He cheers me on even when He knows I might lose that game.  He reminds me of my strengths, points out my improvements, and remains on the side lines chanting my name.

He is my biggest fan.

I had to make some tough choices this week that placed people in hard positions.  Choices that were necessary, and felt right, for my health.  It was hard.  As I followed this prompting, I felt a small piece of myself return.  Ben being home more to help me is a big blessing,  yet it is much more than that.  My Spirit is transforming.  Back to the woman I was and so much more.  My mind is alive and my fingers are tingling as I reclaim my passion in writing.

I have much to improve on, of course, but the process doesn't seem so overwhelming.

See?  Football really is more than just a game.  (Wink, wink.)

24 comments:

  1. Big hugs, and bless you for taking steps to take take care of yourself!!

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  2. Hang in there Amber, and chin up. The worth of your soul is indeed great. Never forget that! :)

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  3. Trials suck (SUCK) when you are going through them. It's only when they are over that you will look back and know that you are better (stronger, more the woman you want to be) because of them. But it is okay to feel anger & resentment, it's all part of the grieving process, and you have definitely had hard times lately, Amber.



    And dude, I am WITH you on the making mistakes, asking for forgiveness, and making them again. All the time. Good thing we don't have to become perfect overnight, eh?

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  4. As we've somewhat covered, I've felt your pain. Can I just tell you I love how open and honest you always are. I love the approach you take with parenting and how you share such personal experiences. I know what it's like to go through that transformation after depression, even though I haven't experienced all of the same things you have, I do know it is a process. I don't even feel the same or how I used to be, but I think its God's way of preparing and maturing us for the future. I love you, and YOU hang in there!

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  5. Good for you, Amber! Sometimes changes/decisions can be really hard to make, but turn out being the best thing for you. Keep looking out for yourself and you'll get there. Glad to hear some optimism in your words. I'm cheering for you, too! :-)

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  6. You are so eloquent. Thank goodness that your spirit is transforming back to the woman/wife/mother you want to be. I think you are right that God loves us dearly and wants what is best for us, even if it doesn't take us down the easiest path.



    You managed to perfectly describe MY feelings ("I feel like a part of myself is missing"). Those emotions are the ones that prompted me to write today's post, about seeking excitement in life.

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  7. That's the beauty of football. There's always another season, the underdog always has a shot, and the fans stick around no matter what. Wishing you a winning season very, very soon! =>

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  8. Well, you know you'll always grab my attention with a good sports metaphor. :)



    As much as I wish your football team well, you are the underdog that I am rooting for this week and every week. Sending much love and all good wishes. xo

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  9. Hi Amber- it's your sister in law squared! I'm sorry to hear of your struggles; please know that you are not alone. We have much to learn and a whole lot of time to learn it. I make way too many mistakes, but we just have to learn and grow.

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  10. Oh Amber, I think you know that I get this. Well not the football part :-) And I'm still struggling to figure out my own faith. But I appreciate every word here. You writing makes a difference to me. You remind me that life is about more than me. I'm rooting for you, hoping that joy returns and you feel whole again.

    xo

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  11. I can't even talk about the football. I don't even want to think about it. I will tell my husband who jinxed the team, though.



    I love the metaphor. I hope you get past this year quickly and start a better season soon! (But make sure not to fire your "coach", you still need Him!)

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  12. It sounds like you're rooting for the Browns! Haha. But seriously, when things are so bleak-seeming, it might be helpful to keep a gratitude journal. Every day write something positive that you're grateful for, or make a small, achievable goal for yourself that you can check off. Give yourself a gold star. We are often our own worst critics, and chances are you're being a much better mother and wife than you give yourself credit for. Hang in there! Glad your faith is so strong, now just remind yourself how worthy you are!

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  13. Well, I'm no fair-weather fan! :)

    Seriously: even when you might want to sit one out, we don't. (At least not here!) When the going gets totally miserable and puzzling, you stay frank and good-humored. I don't know how that translates to football terms, but - wink wink - it's all more than a game!

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  14. Your spirituality has always moved me Amber. I feel that you will always have a winning proposition when you have your faith by your side.

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  15. Coming back from the terrible blow of loss takes time. And patience. Finding the pieces of what you once were, putting the together again, perhaps a bit differently. The healing will come. And you will feel whole again. Different, but whole.

    A friend of mine with much heartbreak in her life said she thought every time your heart is broken it's an opportunity to make it a little bigger. I think God works on us in ways we cannot understand, and often rail against. A losing season may set the stage for grander wins.

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  16. I'm also rooting for you. For all four of you. It's been a terribly tough year. How could you not feel the cumulative effects?



    Sending a hug.

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  17. Well....I'll take your word for it that football is more than just a game. ;- ) But I'm glad that you're slowly finding your way back. It's been a few rough patches but it seems that with faith and your family, you can't stray too far from the woman you once were. They're always here to remind you of that.

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  18. I love the metaphor. And I'm glad you made the decisions/choices that are best for you and for your family. I know this year has been tough for you - but as long as you hold on to God, he'll help you make it through, and to find some peace. Thinking about you! xoxoxo

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  19. Just like BYU, you have lots of fans cheering for you. Chin up!

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  20. You need just one win to push you into the confidence arena!

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  21. Perfect analogy and just know you have a fan over here!! ;)

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  22. You and yours have been through alot. But we are here, cheering for you, on the sidelines all of the time. Sending you hugs.

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  23. I think I know which team you would be cheering for--it has been a tough year for them.



    I love the analogy. Yes, He is always there to help us--each and every one of us, including you and me. (I'm so grateful for that knowledge.) It's easy to get down on ourselves and think we're the only ones who make the same mistake over and over, but He will help us through it all. When we read about forgiveness, and how we need to forgive others 70 times 7--that means forgiving ourselves, too.



    Hang in there. Hugs.

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  24. It often seems like the games in life are where I go to reboot at times like yours where I'm in a funk. I'm sure your team is as glad to know you're there for them as you are to know you have The Fan when you're down in the stats.

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