My team is not doing so hot this year. In all my years of fanhood (something like 6), I have not witnessed such an awful season. I believe I tempted fate by agreeing to cable, thinking it would be fun to watch our team trounce other teams. Needless to say, I am not having fun.
But I continue to watch their games each week. I cheer them on, despite knowing there is only a -1% chance that they will win. When they are losing, I stress their strengths, point out the improvements, and hope that next year these things will produce a winning season.
In many ways, I feel like my football team. This year has been a hard one. Colic, postpartum depression, miscarriage, loneliness, and another miscarriage have left me desperately dry. So much so that I turned to Ben the other day and expressed, "I feel like a part of myself is missing. The person I worked so hard to become--a loving and patient mother, a supportive and caring wife--has disappeared. Anger, resentment, and depression have overridden my once happy existence. I feel lost, alone, and confused."
My faith is still strong, but my self-worth has diminished. Sure Heavenly Father will take care of His children, I tell myself, just not me. Because I am unworthy.
I make countless mistakes during the day. I pray, ask for forgiveness, and make the same mistakes again. I ignore guidance while feeling increasingly sorry for myself. During the hard times, I fail to recognize the blessings I have been given.
My record is a losing one.
Yet, God has not given up on me. He cheers me on even when He knows I might lose that game. He reminds me of my strengths, points out my improvements, and remains on the side lines chanting my name.
He is my biggest fan.
I had to make some tough choices this week that placed people in hard positions. Choices that were necessary, and felt right, for my health. It was hard. As I followed this prompting, I felt a small piece of myself return. Ben being home more to help me is a big blessing, yet it is much more than that. My Spirit is transforming. Back to the woman I was and so much more. My mind is alive and my fingers are tingling as I reclaim my passion in writing.
I have much to improve on, of course, but the process doesn't seem so overwhelming.
See? Football really is more than just a game. (Wink, wink.)
3 hours ago