I can be real slow in recognizing a problem within myself. I will excuse it, ignore it, and eventually resent it. But, after defining the problem, I can usually find a worthy solution and begin the process of change.
I am stuck in a place without light. I am trying to get out, but I keep getting pushed back in the hole. I am scared of what I have become and what will happen to me.
I should have recognized this place after the second Sunday of crying after attending our new ward. Not to mention the twentieth episode of attacking Mr. B. for no reason, and after feeling so low that I could hardly get out of bed. Reality can be hard to face.
It wasn't until an e-mail from a blogging friend that I began to realize what was possessing me. I was not crazy after all! I know I mentioned my anxiety, but I did not recognize the sure signs of depression that have been battering me.
Once I defined it, I felt somewhat better. That did not stop me from crying, once again, after church on Sunday. Or from melt-down after melt-down that same evening.
I had to make a decision. I talked with some good friends about what I am experiencing: hopelessness,
sadness, and feelings of being alone.
They, in turn, offered advice and comfort. Emphasis on the comfort.
They advised that I talk to my ob and/or a counselor.
For my husband's sake, and my sanity, I will be doing both.
I am struggling with this decision. Have I done something wrong to provoke the unhappiness? Do I lack faith? Am I weak?
While I have been lacking in some areas, I know that Heavenly Father is helping me. I know he answered my prayers through my friends. I know He is watching out for me.
My dispassion toward life, anxiety, and constant sorrow could be triggered by pregnancy hormones. However, I realize there is a trend in my life. I need to reverse this trend and seek help so that I can be of use to my husband and the Queen.
This depression has rattled my brain. I feel unorganized and scattered. I am sure this post reflects this. Nevertheless, I still find reasons for joy everyday. Mr. B.'s smiles, hugs, and kisses. The Queen's giggles, spills, and loves. My apartment. My bed. My van.
Really, what helps me through the day is Mr. B, the Queen, and Heavenly Father. I know I would be more of a mess without them.
I think what I need to learn from the hard moments this week is to seek help when necessary. Even if it means professional help.
1 day ago
I'm sitting here not sure what to say because I don't want to sound condescending. Hang in there. I think you are doing exactly what you need to do--talking to your OB and a counselor.
ReplyDeleteAs you know, I've only been reading your blog for a short time, so I really don't know you, but you are a mom with a little one and one on the way, a hubby in school--that's a lot of pressure. Don't be hard on yourself.
Hugs. You mentioned you still find reasons for joy--THAT IS HUGE.
Hang in there.
There is no shame in having trials, only courage in facing them and fighting to overcome. Depression is just that-- a trial and a challenge that is just as real as another person's struggle. It sounds like you have all the right kind of places to turn for help, and good people to love you through the process.
ReplyDeleteThanks you two! I really appreciated your comments. I really needed to hear supportive words, and that is what you gave me!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate how you more experienced mothers can give me advice and/or encouragement when I am down. Thank you!
It took me half way through my third pregnancy to figure out what was wrong. The only way I was able to get out of the hole that time was with medication. It was like night and day. I was lucky in that mine was not severe enough to require permanent medication, the couple months I took was enough to reset whatever chemical imbalance I had. But there is nothing wrong with needing long term help, either. I never hear someone telling a diabetic they could go off insulin if only they had enough faith.
ReplyDeleteI see my struggles with depression not as a punishment, but as one of my trials that can make me more stronger and bring me closer to my Heavenly Father.
I went through a very similar experience with my second pregnancy. It makes my heart ache a bit to read your description of it because it is so, so familiar to me.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had gotten help sooner and I'm so glad you are. More than anything else during my own experience I learned that some things we aren't meant to go through on our own. Years later, I'm so grateful to have been humbled like that, hard as it was at the time.
I echo what Charlotte said as well. I've certainly found myself drawing closer to my Heavenly Father through my own experiences with depression.