Straight Or Gay, Love Is Real

He stumbles in at midnight, having been gone since 7 that morning.  He hugs me and I squeeze him back.

"I need you," he says.

"Babe, I need you more than anything in this world," I tell him back.

We lay back, content in each other's arms.  Our love is full.  Our hearts are one.

*****

The dark, cold Alaskan sky further illuminated him as he bent on one knee in the snow.

"Will you marry me?"  he softly breathed, gazing into my surprised eyes.

I am only sixteen.  My parents, leaders, and other adults have told me that I don't know what love is. But my heart and mind tell me this is the right choice.  That he is the man I love and I wouldn't want to spend my life with any other person.

"Yes!" I said.  Internally defying the surrounding forces and letting them know that forced to live and act like an adult, I became one.

*****

The church leaders and doctrine explicitly state acting on homosexual tendencies is a sin.  I thought I agreed, remember I was a believing member who did, said, and acted according to what I had been taught.

But all my observations told me the church was wrong. It cannot be a sin to love.  Given the vehemence with which people reacted when they discovered I was engaged, at 16, to the man I loved, who was not a return missionary and did not want to serve a mission, I have seen this idea first-hand.  At that time, despite all the fibers in my being telling me otherwise, I caved to my naturally obeying self and encouraged Ben to serve a mission.  He, also an obedient and people-pleasing person, agreed.

Everything I felt, my answers to prayers, were ignored because it went against the natural order of my church.

*****

This week, I listened to Stacey's story of  owning her lesbian self. I cried as she shared her desire to be normal, of marrying her husband and trying so hard to love him--of thinking his love could somehow become hers too.  Until she had the answer, in the temple, telling her she needs to accept how God has made her.  Her husband, a supportive and amazing man, agrees.  They divorce.  She finally feels whole in the arms of another woman.  Her spirit is no longer broken as she accepts love in the way that God intended.

How could I deny her the chance for intimacy?  How could I let my experience as a 16-year-old be repeated again in hundreds-nay, thousands-of people's lives by telling them their love is a sin?

*****

It is 3.5 years later.  I meet him at the airport, praying that his feelings haven't changed.  After a whirl-wind 5 days, he proposes.  We marry 22 days later.  In a year, we welcome our first.  14 months later, our second.  And our love?  That love that was so sinful when I was 16? Is celebrated.  Because we went with "the script."

*****

I watch documentaries as gay couples tell their stories.  The love they have for each other is palpable.  I wonder, is their love any different from the love I have?  Can it really be a sin?

What is immorality anyway? Is it to love someone, or is it to fully express your love outside of marriage?  If I don't let these gay couples get married, denying that they actually love each other, aren't I forcing them to break the law of chastity?

These questions won't stop.  I can't sleep at night because me, the supposed Christian, is spreading hate instead of love.

I take a deep breath.  I ponder.  My heart tells me everything I have believed is wrong.  My mind thinks about the science, the genetics, and I wonder if God could really make mistakes.  And if he doesn't, would He really sanction anti-family sentiments?

*****

As I look at the bigger picture, I realize that love fuels this world.  To deny this would be to take away the good in humanity.  I can't consciously do this, so I am going with my heart.  I have a feeling, and the experience, that my heart is not wrong on this.  I am 24, strong, and can no longer be pressured into accepting what I disagree with.

I gaze into my husband's eyes, the eyes I have treasured since I was 16, and I know I cannot deny love.  I cannot allow hurt and pain to accompany this world's bleak existence.  Family is important and there are various ways to build one.  Whether it is as a mature 18-year-old, or between couples of the same gender.  Family does hold this society together and I will fight to keep it that way.

A Painful and Necessary Lesson

I fell on the ice today. Not a simple slip and recover but an all out fall. My feet shot up, my head went down, followed by my butt and back, and I lay there, dazed. The ironic part is that I was helping an elderly lady at the time.

After I finished loading the groceries into my van, I watched the car, with a lady clutching the steering wheel and her head covered with a turquoise scarf, pull up to the recycling dumpster; noticing her age and unsteadiness, I surmised I could help her while teaching my kids about service.  You know, a priceless lesson they will undoubtedly, and fondly, remember twenty years down the road.

So I approached her and asked if I could help. I grabbed the books and magazines from her front seat, smiling, and made my way to the recycling dumpster; unknowingly walking across a thin, and particularly slippery, patch of ice.  As my feet shot up, I couldn't help but laugh, sardonically, at my careful plan now taking a dramatic--and painful--turn.

As I shakily rose from the ground, Emily queried after my condition, "[Are you] okay, Mommy?  Did you hurt?"

"Yes, yes, I'm okay," I laughingly replied for both Emily's and the elderly lady's sake.  I continued with my quest and finished my so-called service project.

I helped the lady to her car, while truthfully telling her how glad I was that it was me and not her; especially after she informed me of her age: Ninety.

Driving home, I pondered over my object lesson.  It didn't turn out exactly as I anticipated; I'm sure if my kids retain any memory of the event they will only remember the fall.  But it did symbolize my own re-entrance into the world outside my own problems: Unexpectedly painful and undeniably worth it.

A Slow Healing Process

I thought I was pregnant last month.  I had all the symptoms: nausea, vomiting, headaches, frequent urination, etc.  Setting aside my reservations, my excitement started mounting.  How could it not?  Sickness is a good thing, for me, in determining a viable pregnancy.  I felt the phrase "the third time is the charm" might apply this time.

Except it didn't.  Because I started my period a couple weeks later--right on time. (And, to confirm this, I also took a couple pregnancy tests.)  With the nausea, vomiting, and all the other lovely things that now accompany me constantly.  You know, without a pregnancy.

To say I was angry is an understatement.  Ben and I thought for sure all my symptoms meant the one thing we really want--another baby.  Instead I was greeted with the mother of all cramps and her crimson venom.  Once the bleeding started, I texted Ben telling him that I did not want to have any more kids.  I was done with pregnancies, done with fertility stuff, done with everything.  He called me on his lunch break and let me talk.   And cry.  Because I cried a lot.

When he came home that night, he held me.  He let me vent without saying one contradictory word.  He let me rage against my body, my period, and against God.

(Have I mentioned I married the perfect guy for me?)

*****

Andrew is learning to climb on and off furniture.  As I have taught him many times that the safest, and most effective, way for him to climb down is feet first, I must now let him learn the painful lesson of not following my guidance.

When he starts crawling off head first, I tell Ben, "Let him go, he needs to learn by falling on his head."  Which he has, slowly.  It can be hard to watch him fall, but I know it is the only way he will learn.

*****

Right now, God is letting me fall on my head.  I don't know what I am supposed to learn through this process, but I do know it is mighty painful.

This recent period was a frightful reminder of my miscarriages.  (Two! In the same year!.)  It brought me to the lowest depths of depression I've been in since I can't remember.  Along with the sadness, I embraced bitterness.  A bitter person is not good company, as Ben has unfortunately experienced.  I'm not proud of the person I've been over the past couple weeks, a big reason this space has remained unoccupied, however I understand, and Ben understands, the complicated emotions that assailed me over something that I've had once a month (besides pregnancy) since I was 14.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have had some recent revelations that have forced me to evaluate many parts of who I am and who I want to become.  While I don't intend to be vague, I am still figuring out the different pieces and at the moment cannot adequately articulate what they mean.  But, if you'll be patient with me, I feel ready to write about them one at a time.

Yeah, I guess that means I'm back.

***Image via FreeImages.

Teaching to the Test: A Teacher's and Parent's Dilemma

On Saturday,  Mrs. Mayhem related to her readers that her daughter, Millie, is "struggling academically.  As a kindergartner."

A Brief History

Once upon a time, I desired to be a teacher.  I finished all the pre-requisites at my University, completed the volunteer hours, wrote the admissions essay, and was about to apply to the elementary education program when I realized I could not do it.  Why the change?  A couple of reasons. 1) The teacher I volunteered under over the summer scared me. She was extremely harsh (not strict) and almost oblivious to each child's educational needs.  The second reason I will get to in a minute.

Standardized Tests

Mrs. Mayhem mentioned that the teacher's proof for Millie's supposed poor performance were her standardized tests.  In my opinion, this is where our educational system has failed.  The government recognizes there is a problem with dropout rates and under achievement with underprivileged populations.  Yet, their idea on how to treat it is through testing measures.  Measures that have been shown to have systematic bias toward those same populations.  President Bush initiated the No Child Left Behind Act, which actually pushed those needy populations even further behind,  while President Obama is advocating for longer school days and performance pay for teachers.  "Performance" being defined as how well their students perform on standardized tests.

I wonder, do government officials even consult with child/adolescent development experts?  Most of the educational changes proposed by the government are a reaction to our competitor's (i.e. other countries) test scores in the areas of Math and Science.  Because a few countries are ahead of us in producing the next Scientists and Engineers, our leaders have decided that in order to compete, we must focus our educational goals on these specific subjects and increase standardized tests to make sure that teachers are complying with their wishes.

Teachers Are Not to Blame

Mrs. Mayhem emphasized that her daughter's teacher is not to blame.  I agree.  Teachers are set up for failure.  If a teacher is wonderful and amazing and utilizing developmentally appropriate practices rather than teaching rote memorization, she might be booted because her students perform below average on tests designed to only measure certain facets of a student's performance.  What should said teacher do?  Her job is literally on the line.

This is where my second reason comes in.  I disagreed with the approach to education and even the training of teachers. The strict testing measures that were beginning to be enforced at younger and younger ages appalled me.  In my mind, taking a more holistic approach to education--one that emphasizes developmental stages and adapts teaching to each child's strengths and weaknesses--was much more focused and easier to attain.  I didn't like the feeling that I would inevitably fail.

It is unfair.  Unfair to the students, especially underprivileged students, unfair to the teachers, and unfair to the parents.

Do I have a solution?  Many.  But my voice only echoes that of many experts in the field and, unfortunately, is lost in this fast-paced society that fails to recognize a student's performance can't be forced through testing or rote memorization.  They must first love to learn.

What do you think?

After I wrote this piece, I researched on-line to make sure I wasn't making false claims.  In the course of this event, I found this article, Standardized Testing and Its Victims, by Alfie Kohn in which he addresses the issues I have raised here and many more in greater depth.

Insanity Is My Middle Name

I want to have six children.   I have always wanted a big family, and when Ben and I got married, we agreed that six sounds like a nice number.  All right, we actually wanted more initially but my first pregnancy kind of scared us.  Besides, I want to be done before I turn thirty.  Yeah, before. I have plenty of reasons behind my choice, but I'll limit it to the top five.

1. Youth.  Frankly, pregnancy is difficult.  Since I have a family history of pregnancy complications, I am hoping that starting and finishing young will keep them away.

2. Money.  Since we don't have money, our options are limited.  It's great! I don't worry about setting up a nursery, buying cool toys, or getting new clothes.  I shop at used stores and set up the Pac N' Plays in our tiny second bedroom when new babies arrive!  The awesome thing is, the babies don't care.  Heck, they'd sleep in a box if I let them.  (Which I don't.  Obviously.)

3.  Travel.  We don't travel (reason # 2) But, because we are young (reason #1), the last kid will leave the house by the time we are fifty.  Fifty. That leaves Ben and me plenty of time for world traveling.  And we will even have money to spend.

4. Education.  I graduated with my bachelor's degree and plan on pursuing a Masters sometime in the future.  Because I am young (reason #1), my options are not limited.  Once Ben is established in his career, the kids will have started school, and I will have time to attend classes.

5. Health.  My body bounces back quickly after each pregnancy.  It helps that I only gain 15-20 pounds.  (Hyperemesis Gravidarum does have its positive points.)   I actually weigh less now than before I was married.  I know that as I age, this may change, but I am counting on reason #1 to keep my body in line.

Ahh, who am I kidding.  The real reason is that I want more just like these two.

Dispelling the Myths

There are certain things that make me cringe. So many myths have been proliferated through the years and are only now being abandoned. However, I still routinely run into these infractions on blogs, in books, and even in conversations. Allow me illustrate with three examples.
#1: Terrible Twos
Many parents refer to their toddler's years as the "terrible twos". As antagonistic as a two-year-old can be, there is nothing terrible about their behavior. A few things to consider: toddlers want to choose. When they say "no" it is not because they are being defiant or difficult, but is because they are gaining autonomy. Parents often forget that the most frequent word they, as parents, use is "no" as well. Perhaps learning how to say "yes" more often may temper your toddler's desire to use "no" as much. Some other tips from experts include using routines, structure, and allow for your toddler to make choices. It might be irritating to allow your toddler to choose their own outfit (not to mention time consuming) but allowing this will prevent the melt down. Handling toddlers is about learning patience and love.
#2: Baby-Sitting/Anything to do With Children is Good Birth Control
No. The only good birth control is the kind you actually use. Do you really think you will have 6 3-year-olds at one time (you may, but odds are against you)? Having children one by one (or sometimes in pairs) is not as scary as it might seem. This whole fear comes from perceptions that children ruin marriages. Well, let me enlighten you. A professor of mine conducted an analysis of marital satisfaction research. He discovered that marriages with and without children have the same slight decrease in the first years of marriage. This decrease is so small that it is hardly distinguishable from the rest of the graph.
#3: Infant Colic (or Smile) is a Product of Gas
While this advice might seem likely, there is not hard facts behind this. How about attributing colic to the mean circumstances of placing an infant into the harsh, cruel world to feel pain, discomfort, temperature changes, and other new and somewhat traumatizing sensations. The transition from the nice, warm, and comfortable womb must be tough! I imagine that there is not one solution for why some babies develop colic (which is actually quite common in most infants for their second month), but suggesting that it is solely gas is just absurd. Gas cannot cause pain and smiles at the same time. That is a dichotomy. Nonetheless, smiles come from reflexes in the first couple of months (or 4 weeks) anyway. I think that the best way to help the infant is to love and nurture yourself and your baby. Surround yourself with a good social support group and remember that the baby is not out to get you. It could also be helpful to determine whether your baby is sensitive to milk products, this is quite a helpful diagnosis.
Whether or not you believe in one or all of these myths, I hope that you feel more informed. Sometimes I just need a place to vent, and writing is the most soothing thing for my soul.

The Opposite of Alone is Together

While discussing current trends in views of marriage, my husband said something that I rather liked. He said that "marriage is not supposed to be like a trip to disneyland". This came as we talked about the many discouraging attitudes that people have towards getting married and having children.
It is common thinking that marriage is supposed to be a union fraught with ultimate happiness and joy. Fighting is not going to happen and, if it does, the marriage is bound to end. Plus, if you add children to the mix marital satisfaction will significantly drop down.
However, I have a particular professor has researched marital satisifaction much in his career. As he puts it, marriage satisfaction dips a little bit after children come as couples come off the honeymoon high and enter into reality. Marriage is a little bit more work than expected.
B. and I decided to start our family-after much thought and prayer-sooner than later. The craziness of our plan was that we were and are both finishing school and still quite young. Questions arose (in our heads but mostly voiced by others), are you going to finish school? How are you going to pay for baby costs? How are you going to care for the baby while going to school, is someone going to watch her for you? And on and on they went.
Of course, these questions peppered our minds and our conversations as well, but we had something besides Babylon's opinions pulling us toward our destination. This little something is called faith. I had no idea how some things were going to work. We had carefully planned out my class schedule in order for it not to coincide with B.'s class schedule so that he could watch the Girl, but we did not know if everything was going to go as planned. The fact is, they didn't. School began and we realized that we hadn't really planned for ways that I might get homework and other essential items done. We also hadn't planned for times when B. would need to go to a lecture or some other thing while I was in class. As the demands came we found ways to make it all work. The faith that orginally guided us continued to pull us along. Through pray, fasting, and daily scripture study, we found solutions to our problems in many creative avenues. There were, and still are, days when we struggle and realize that we have reached our threshold for stress; and yet we are still able to continue. The monumental aspect of our meeting the different challenges is through not looking back and regretting our decision.
As to the aspect of marriage, well the only way for marriage to get better is to continue on through the bumps. In fact, in many of my classes it has been emphasized that those marriages that have been reported as "the best" are those that struggle through the hard times. As the Girl entered our lives, conflict increased. This increase was followed by more and more positive changes and striving to find increased ways of servind each other. With each conflict and resolution, our marital satisfaction has increased. When asked about how we feel our marriage has gone since the Girl has entered, both of us respond that it has definitely become wonderful.
We feel remarkably blessed in the many ways that God has, and still does, helped us as we continue to figure out how to strengthen our marriage while struggling through school and parenting. We are so glad that we decided not to wait until some future time (when we had enough money, when we were more settled, when the stars aligned, when China became a free country) for our little angel to grace us with her presence. In fact, we are excited that we are going to continue to add to our family because we have never felt stronger individually and as a couple as we do now. (Of course other considerations are in place, like my bodily health through pregnancy and where we are in our schooling, as we decide the spacing of our little ones.)
I am glad that marriage is not like a trip to Disneyland, it would be completely boring if it was. All the bumps and trials that accompany adding children (for us) and the other struggles (for everybody) to marriage are what really make it worthwhile.

The Time Will Come

I have this "Tommorrow House" that I add features to every once in a while. What I would like in this house include the following:

Double sink ("functional sink")
Metal sink
Fan for the bathroom
Microwave unit above the stove
More storage
Laundry room connected to our home

Not too bad, right? Don't worry, I will not let myself get caught up in this dream world too often. Besides, I love our little apartment, it just helps for me to jot down some features for our future abode(s).

Getting Educated=Guilt

I went to class today, the subject was on attachment. After class discussion and reading the text, I caught myself in deadly thoughts. Attachment: a strong emotional tie that involves feelings of security. How do children become attached? By the responsitivity of their parents. In other words, the more appropriately responsive a parent is, the more securely attached the infant is. So, when I allow the Queen to cry for a few minutes before picking her up because I need to finish preparing dinner, some household chore, or homework I am not responsive?! Then Mary Ainsworth explains that parents who hover too much have infants who exhibit insecure-avoidant (or A Type) attachments. Now, how do I know if I hover too much?!
I have, of course, encountered this theory many times throughout the course of my major (namely in ALL of my classes), but it has never hit me quite as strongly because, I did not have a baby at home. I now wonder if I am being a good enough parent.
My major does emphasize the importance of the imperfect parent. This is just a way for parents to realize that they will not be perfect in every situation. What matters overall is doing their best.
Right now, the Queen has a cold. I have been getting, on average, 3-4 hours of sleep at night. My patience is at a 2.5 on a 5-point scale. I usually can lovingly handle the Queen's cries by comforting her through my calm demeanor. However, at this point I am barely containing my own tears, tears of frustration. This may sound ridiculous, but once one has gone through nights without sleep they will understand exactly what I mean.
What do I do with all the infant development information I have learned? Am I to constantly allow myself to feel guilty for not doing things perfectly or recognize that even theorists were imperfect in their parenting? I think that I will opt to go with the second option. I know that I am doing my best. I also know that I can do better. This is why I make the goal to start every day fresh. This week I have had to make a concentrated effort in order to have fresh days, but it has paid off. I have been able to keep my patience on a pretty high plane, all things considering.
In conclusion, I am positive that the Queen will be securely attached to both me and her father. We avoid over stimulating her, and respond to her needs within a reasonable amount of time (if it isn't 3 am). Besides, I love her and put forth my best effort. Thank you Mary Ainsworth for your contributions in infant development, I really do appreciate them. Heck, at least I am learning a great deal about what I will not do. Those items, my friends, will have to wait for another day.

Some Things are Better Left Unsaid

Ben: Do you ever wash your hair?
Amber: Yes, the other day, why?
Ben: It doesn't look bad or anything I just always see you wearing your yellow thing (aka my shower cap) while showering.
Hmmm... I think he was trying to tell me something.

The Next Day.
Britney: Your water just has lots of air bubbles in it, it isn't bad.
Amber: Ohh, that's why we burp so much.
Ben: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
Britney: Bewildered look.

You make your own conclusions.

The End

I finished the 10-page paper -that has consumed my thoughts for 2 weeks-today. It felt so good to send it off for finishing touches to my editors (aka friends and family). I really enjoyed writing this paper, I find it much easier than I did when I first came to school. It has sparked in me the desire to write more often, maybe on other things rather than tactile stimulation and emotion regulation, but writing more nonetheless. I guess that is why I have this blog.

On a another note, I was pretty harsh on my husband today. The poor guy needs a break occasionally and I tend to infringe on his precious relaxing moments. Thankfully tomorrow is a new day, a new page in life's unwritten book.

Oh, and I am getting better at juggling the girl and other responsibilities. Getting better, but not perfect. I still manage to have dishes pile up randomly, but for the most part I clean them as I use them. Getting homework done can still be trying but it is all about balancing life's responsibilities. My primary role at this stage in my life is being a homemaker. I cherish this role and all the glorifying aspects of it. My thoughts continuously turn to Julie B. Beck's talk during general conference entitled Mother's Who Know. This talk inspires me every day to be a better wife and mother.

To end, I am very grateful that Heavenly Father led me as I wrote my paper. It may seem silly but my thoughts were more organized while writing this paper than they usually are when I spend a week writing a paper (I spent 2 days). I know that He knew my time is very limited and so helped me as I did my part.

Fridays

Fridays signify the end of the week and this usually means date night. However, with my husband's school schedule this is not always possible. Add the fact that Saturday is sanctioned football day, date night can be a picky issue. Sometimes, I admit, I get depressed. It is his longest day, and I miss him! So, today I called my good friend. She came over and held my baby whilst I did dishes. At the same time, she gave me the company I needed to combat the wash of depression that threatened to wash over me.

While I had a friend come over and keep me company tonight, oft times I try and find some way to help one of my friends. I do this in order to forget my struggles. I mean, I have so many friends around me who have husbands as busy as mine, and they have more than 1 child (average = 3). So, service seems to be a wonderful way to dismiss my troubles.

As for date night, I don't always wish to go out either. With a young baby, I am still uncomfortable with the whole baby-sitting idea. My husband understands this and does not push me.

I am lucky, though, I married a man who loves me. Despite my many flaws, he adores me. In the words of Brian McKnight, my husband thinks of me as his "irreplaceable love of my [his] life".

So Friday night comes and goes. We still love each other, we just realize that right now we have to find other ways to have dates. Thankfully we can rent DVDs. I just feel blessed that I have a husband who loves me and always does (and will) take care of my and our child (and future children). Bottom line: I love my husband.