With a heavy heart, I put him down. His need for me to hold him as diminished. I want to kiss his cheeks, but he is too busy with his toddler agenda. And my mind wanders into the "if" zone.
If I had known my womb would reject baby after baby...
Would I have kissed his sweet, newborn lips more?
Would I have endured those night-time feedings with more patience?
Would I have lived with more love and less resentment?
Would I have less regrets now because I had lived purposefully and in the moment then?
I don't know the answers.
*****
Today marks the one year anniversary of my second loss. Or at least writing about it.
*****
I thought I was okay. It's been well over 4 months since I had my third loss, but I guess that grief is still oozing from my heart. In swells. At first it was anger, bitterness, and so many other loud feelings. It petered off to rejection and a forget-this-I'm-strong attitude. Now the deep sorrow has set in. I can't hear of another pregnant woman without waves of sadness sweeping over me. I try to ignore it, I do, because I am very happy and excited for them. However, my thoughts are overwhelming. I am afraid to leave the house because little things might open the dam of tears.
Oh depression, please leave me be!
*****
I once thought things were simple. My life, as I knew it, was perfectly planned out. But the physical and emotional pain over the last year threw my soul into a rather-be-forgotten rut. No, this isn't about detours or how God has other plans, it's about biology and how sometimes there is no damn reason for why our bodies do certain things. Or why, after two healthy, albeit tough, pregnancies I can't seem to grow another. It also doesn't explain, well, a lot. Something I won't go into, yet. Too dark for a Friday.
*****
How do you celebrate an anniversary of loss? Right now, I'm thinking food and love. But dear Ben has his first major exam for medical school on Monday and will not be around today, tomorrow, or Sunday. I will be alone. With the kids. With my thoughts.
So we will continue with our regular routine: eat, clean, make messes, clean some more, eat, and bed. Maybe some fun sprinkled in, but, in my current state, highly unlikely.
Happy Friday everyone. Have some fun for me, okay?
