The Ultrasound. It's A.....

I love school, with only a few exceptions.  It has taken over my life! I am working really hard  on finding some balance, but it's a constant battle.  I figure with all the papers I'm writing (at least a 5 pager a week) (which is only difficult as I have to research academic stuff) (and that can be boring), I shall soon become an expert writer.  And maybe, just maybe, will use these skills to write a memoir.  Or continue into a doctorate program and focus on research stuff.  I won't tell you which one I favor as my geek will totally come through and, for my kids' sake, I'm trying to "cool" myself up.

Um, yeah.

In other news, I'm over 20 weeks (22.2 exactly) and will finally have my ultrasound (moving, changing doctors, and insurance stuff really delayed the process) today.  The question that is on everyone's mind is, what will I have?  A boy? A girl? Twins? (Haha, it's one baby BUT IT'S POSSIBLE.)

However, I am taking the crazy route and not finding out.

That's right, folks.  This baby will be the first in our family to not have a gender until birth!  Er...rather, for us not to know the gender.

With our first two, it was imperative that I find out.  Seriously.  I would lay awake at night wondering who inhabited my body.  Now, I want to be surprised.  This will be the last pregnancy and I want it to be as special as both Emily's and Andrew's were and there is no real urgency in finding out the sex now.  I mean, even when I did know Andrew's sex I still didn't buy clothes until after he was born (although, in my defense, that's because he came a leeeetle bit early).

And that's it: School, baby, two other kids, craziness.

Take Two Breaths and Try Again

The more comfortable I become with my mental illness - a combination of anxiety and depression - the more I recognize just how much it has impacted my life. My depression and anxiety play tag, one month I will feel the effects of one more than the other and the next it will switch.  This month, anxiety has led a harsh battle against my inner peace.  Since school is my trigger, this makes sense. My perfectionist tendencies come out in force as I work on papers, study, and interact with my peers and professors.

Yet, with recognition comes understanding and awareness.  So, despite my inability to take my stabilizing medications (due to pregnancy), I can talk about my difficulties with Ben and try out possible solutions.  And sometimes these solutions are simple, like taking a couple breaths and starting over.

This past week, for example, I had a hefty load of papers and other assignments to complete.  Because I am attempting to forge a work-life balance, I do most of my school work on Monday through Thursday and keep Friday through Sunday open so I can spend time with the kids and Ben.  This means that I am spending over 10 hours on those days working on assignments, and, since I am also a stay-at-home mom, waking up really early and staying up really late.  By Thursday, I am generally wiped out and overwhelmed.

When I felt myself losing control, I firmly decided to take a breathing break and try again the next day.  You know what? It was the most efficient thing I did last week.  So, to help me remember this, I've made a poster to hang up in my room...or at least place on my computer.



This post is part of Health Activists Writer's Month.