An Open Letter

Dear readers, friends, family, etc.,

From a young age, I was a faithful, believing Mormon (hereafter called "the church").  I attended church more than regularly, went to all activities, and read my scriptures almost every night from aged 11 on.  I would have regular communion with God and tried my hardest to listen for His direction in my life.

Every Sunday school and Young Women's lesson, sacrament meeting talk, stake conference talk, and general conference address impacted my decisions.  If a general authority said something, I would instantly believe it and try to incorporate it into my life.  My teachers, bishops, and parents counseled me in all things--and I listened.

Unfortunately, this constant barrage of advice and counsel led to incessant angst as to whether I really was being the best I could be.  I would not look forward to General Conference because it meant more emotional beatings as I realized just how awful I was.  I didn't pray enough, fully engage in the scriptures, treat people like Jesus did, or respect my parents like the bible taught.  Any bad thought basically nailed the lid to my coffin of sin and endless torment.

Yes the gospel purports to teach hope, but I didn't feel much hope throughout my life.

I realize my anxiety and depression were clinical.  What I was feeling probably wasn't the intention of those around me.  However, in a Church that implicitly teaches leader infallibility (but denies papal infallibility), I felt that what was taught over the pulpit (or in a sunday school class) was meant to be lived exactly.  And I tried.  Oh I tried.

Another side effect to my experience, was losing myself to everyone else.  I no longer had an opinion.  Instead, I was a parrot to what Prophets and apostles had taught.  I truly did not think for myself.

Occasionally, I would indulge in private meanderings through philosophies and church teachings.  But this would often lead to doubt, and ultimately more angst as I didn't have all the answers, so I wouldn't allow these sessions to continue for very long.

When I went to BYU, my professors encouraged me to critically analyze everything.  So I did.  What this led to was the beginnings of finding out who I really was and what I really thought.  I found that I was an intelligent being--woman--who could make decisions.  This was difficult.  I had always relied on the wisdom of those around me, because I could NOT differentiate between my personal feelings and "the Spirit."   When other people talked about their Spiritual experiences, and their moments when they knew the church was true, I envied their connection to God.  I thought I was not worthy, because I had never had one of those moments. I consoled myself into thinking that I had the spiritual gift of "exceedingly great faith" (Moroni 10:11).

Over time, little doubts crept in as I truly dissected church teachings: polygamy, Masonry and the temple, a woman's place in the church, and even the word of wisdom.  Gradually, I started wondering if there really was a God in the universe.  This past May, I began researching teachings of the church to allay my fears.  I prayed to feel something, but never heard back.  The one person who I wanted to connect to--Heavenly Mother (or mothers? who knows)--I could not contact.  And if I did, I was disobeying the prophet.  (See President Hinckley's talk.)  Eventually I realized that the sum total of my experiences with God amounted to zero.  I examined my experiences, read my journal, and tried my best to find Him.  He wasn't there.  This led to deep despair and a return of severe depression and anxiety.  Life without believing in a God isn't simple.

After a while, I noticed inconsistencies with church doctrines. One such example came while critically examining D&C 132.  I have had numerous lessons on this section, but none dwelled on what the verses actually stated.  And I, for one, only glossed over this section because it made me uncomfortable.  Anyway, after reading the first verse, I realized the falsehood of what I had been taught.  The "new and everlasting covenant," referred to in the second verse is polygamy, not eternal marriage.  Eternal marriage is actually a "condition" of the law, as referenced in verse 7.  But the real "law" is adhering to polygamy.  According to the section, if a person does not adhere to "new and everlasting covenant...he shall be damned" (v. 6).

That's not the best part. That comes when talking about a woman's place in this law.  Starting with verse 34, "God commanded Abraham [to multiply and replenish the Earth], and Sarah gave Hagar to Abraham to wife.  Why did she do it? Because this was the law [the new and everlasting covenant, or polygamy]."

Also, a woman is committing adultery if she is given to marriage to another man while still married, and she will be damned (v. 41).  Whereas, if a man does this same thing--marry another woman while he is still married--outside of the "vow," he also has committed adultery, but will not be damned.   Additionally, if the woman is proven to be "innocent" and has not committed adultery (but is she married still?),  and she knoweth it, and I reveal it unto you, my servant Joseph, then shall you have power, by the power of my Holy Priesthood, to take her and give her unto him that hath not committed adultery but hath been faithful; for he shall be made ruler over many" (v. 44).

It gets better.  Pertaining to Emma, and her disgust of polygamy, apparently God told Joseph in verse 52, "And let mine handmaid, Emma Smith, receive all those that have been given unto my servant Joseph [i.e. other wives], and who are virtuous and pure before me; and those who are not pure, and have said they were pure, shall be destroyed, saith the Lord God."

All these scriptures indicate that a woman must accept and practice polygamy, or she will be damned.  She also must marry or she will become a "fallen angel."  Since I do not agree with polygamy--and believe the revelation was borne out of Joseph's lust--I could not believe that it was a real revelation.  If that wasn't a real revelation, then Joseph probably wasn't a prophet of God.  If he wasn't a prophet, then the church isn't "the only true church."  I have applied this logic to many other doctrines of the church.  This is only one example.

You might be wondering why this is relevant, considering the Church hasn't practiced polygamy since 1890, but it should be known that in the temple a man can marry multiple women--and be sealed to them if their previous spouse dies--but a woman does not have the same privileges.  Additionally, the brethren (or the Quorum of the 12 and the First Presidency), have never retracted section 132, but only stated that we will no longer practice polygamy (except for in the temple) as stated in  Official Declaration 1.

Ultimately, I made the decision to stop attending church.  I wanted to take a break to fully understand what my beliefs were, not what the church and its leaders told me I should believe.  For the first time in my life, I didn't feel horrible every Sunday.  I stopped feeling guilty for everything I wasn't doing.  Instead, I learned to rely on my natural inclination to love everyone.

I am still figuring out whether I want to keep my records intact, or to have my name removed.  I realize that many of you will wonder what happened.  I think my case is clearly stated, but you are welcome to--and probably will--draw your own conclusions.

Over time, I hope you can realize that I am the same person.  Heck, I'm still coming to this conclusion myself.  This decision wasn't easy, it has essentially rocked my world.  I feel that my heart is pure and good.  If you can't accept this, I am sorry that our friendship is based solely on my church attendance.

I love and appreciate you all.

Love,

Amber

Lessons from Church

I like to use Mondays as my spiritual reflection. Okay, actually I intend on writing on Sundays but never seem to get around to it. Besides, Sunday is the only day Mr. B is home all day long. Yes,  I am selfish with my time with him.
Where was I?
Oh, yes, spiritual reflection.
Mr. B and I decided to attend a special sunday school class in our new ward: Marriage and Family Relations. We have a couple reasons for choosing this class: one, it is a smaller class so allows the Queen to run as wild as she wants and two, every couple, and family, needs spiritual help in their marriage and family relationships.
My degree specialized in marriages and families. I can name sources, research, and helpful books when questions arise about communication. But, because I know it does not mean I apply it.
For example, when discussing positive communication I can throw out Gottman's name like its nothing. Naming his four horseman without second thought. However, I am still guilty of nagging, pointing out the negative, and other evils in my marriage relationship.
In the lesson, Elder Hinckley (before he was the prophet) provides wonderful counsel for every man and wife.

Companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace and even dull. I know of no more certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the help-meet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with Him in the great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement. The very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another.

I completely agree. As I seek out the "godly qualities" of my husband I will be far less likely to criticise.
Sunday is such a spiritually rejuvenating day. I am so glad for church, even if it is 3 hours long and happens to be during the Queen's nap time. Even if I get to suffer through tantrums and whining.

It is still very much worth it.

The Temple's Power

I have been hiding. The Queen and I had a surprise break last week. The lady I baby-sit for came down with swine flu, so she was quarantined for a week. Oh, we had fun. I slept a lot, played a lot, and walked a little. The Queen enjoyed having me all to herself for the entire week.
As the weekend rolled around, I didn't expect to learn as much as I did.

Experience # 1
Toward the end of the week I started getting down. The week had been very relaxing until I remembered that my vacation was almost over.
Please understand, my job is not hard. In fact, it is easy and fun. But, focusing entirely on my baby girl for one weeks was so wonderful that I didn't want our vacation to be over.
While I was feeling sorry for myself, Mr. B was having a tough week. Tests, difficult labs, and silly mistakes really wore down his morale. By Friday, he was very upset.
I was in no mood to console him. Nice, huh?
Since Mr. B and I haven't had the chance to go to the temple this month, I asked my friend to watch the Queen Friday evening so we could attend. She delightedly accepted.
You can imagine how we were both feeling by the time we left for the temple. I was irritated, Mr. B was preoccupied and miserable, and we were very ready for the peacefulness of the temple.
Within 30 minutes of being in the holy temple, I had completely forgotten all my miseries. The Spirit was so strong, and so comforting, that I could not harbor bad feelings. At the same time, I felt strengthened and ready to take on a new week.
I looked at Mr. B. I realized I was not supporting him like I had promised to. He has a very tough course load. He studies constantly to understand difficult concepts. He puts forth 110% and is often disappointed with the outcome.
For him, too, the temple provided comfort.
The most important ending was our own. We left for the temple with angered dispositions and came back with a renewal of love. We were reminded of the covenants we made when we were sealed. We had hope, again. Our friend even remarked on the visible changes from when we left and when we came back. She said "Wow! You are back to yourselves. You are back to being a couple."

Experience # 2
Since we have moved, I have been struggling with liking our new ward. I know moving is always difficult, especially if you are comfortable in your situation. But, good grief, I was downright sorrowful. The change in apartments was perfect, the change in neighborhood? Not so much.
Poor Mr. B didn't know how to console me when I would come home sobbing after church. Every Sunday. It was getting ridiculous.
The temple provided me with the strength to change my attitude toward our new ward. When Sunday came, I prayed intensely that I would have a change of heart toward our ward. I prayed that I would find ways to serve the sisters. I prayed that I would be happy.
While driving to church, I confided in my husband the contents of my prayers. I also divulged that I had one goal this Sunday: to meet 2 new people. Because we are new, that would not be difficult.
At church, the Queen made it through the sacrament. After that, Mr. B and I alternated roaming the halls with our very active 14-month old.
During my turn, I introduced myself to a fellow mother. It turns out our daughters really enjoy each other. The Queen especially liked her daughter's toys.
After relief society, I was waiting (with all the other ladies) for Mr. B to emerge from Priesthood. While waiting, I began chatting with another lady. It was very delightful.
Goal accomplished.
I did meet 2 new people. I also developed a more positive attitude toward our ward. That was the real goal anyway.

These two experiences reminded me of my Heavenly Father's love. He wants me to be happy. He will answer my prayers.
With such a rejuvenating weekend, I feel energized and ready for this week.