Feeling Free, Feeling Good

After a considerably hard weekend, I decided to take two days off from work.  Sickness and pain were my nemeses and I had only one remedy: sleep.  I also made some dietary changes and limited my food to saltines and soup with the occasional sandwich.  For whatever reason, these switches have positively impacted my after miscarriage stuff. While I am still feeling slightly ill, the back pain is almost gone and my mind is just about free of fog.

It's strange, really, to have these excessive emotional highs and lows--to go from hating life to feeling excited for tomorrow.  Hell, I'll take the positives, they keep me going and my world incredibly interesting. Eh, I guess I can handle the lows if they make life exciting and this couldn't be possible if there isn't one (or two, or 10) sh***y day a week.  I know because my Guide to Life says so.

(What is my Guide to Life?  Well let me tell you.  Nah, I'll just redirect you.) (This book is on a pedestal in my household and we read from it religiously.  RELIGIOUSLY I say.  It's my replacement bible.)

(Speaking of the bible, Emily comes home singing new Christian songs that she has learned in preschool about once a week.  My favorite is God Is Great. She sings this every meal time while Ben and I sit and laugh.  It's just so darn cute!  Also, she doesn't like it if I try to change the lyrics to "Emily is great!" or something similar.  I guess she thinks I'm being cynical.  Where would she get that idea?)

ANYWAY.

If my life were a musical, I would be singing "The Hills Are Alive" or "Defying Gravity." If only I could attach wires from my brain to the TV so my amazing thoughts could be transmitted to the BIG SCREEN.   Picture this:  Me, in a beautiful dress, singing and dancing my way through life.  It would be priceless.  And entertaining.  Mostly entertaining.

(Have I mentioned that Emily dances like a Hip Hop star?  I guess my regular Zumba work-outs HAVE taught her something.  Like how to shake her hips and booty.  I feel slightly guilty in encouraging her but, frankly, it's hilarious to see my 3-year-old shaking her thing better than most pop stars do.)

AHEM.

I return to work today and I feel like doing some jumping jacks--I am THAT excited.

Is this what feeling free--from anger--is like?  If so, I really like it.

I Blame My Hair

I remember when I was young and care-free.  I would wake up, work-out, shower, eat breakfast, blow-dry my hair, and all those other things to make myself beautiful.  I loved the mornings.  I didn't like to get up, per se, but I did like the feeling of waking before the birds and completing tedious tasks long before I needed to set out to work or class.  I felt accomplished and I did my hair.  Every day.  No exceptions (ok, unless I didn't wake up early).

Around the time of my third miscarriage, I had grown to hate that hair styling tool meant to blow dry my hair into beautiful locks.  It never did.  Instead, I would labor in front of the mirror getting sweatier by the minute, blowing that darned heat in the direction of the wet mop on my head and willing it to style my hair so I wouldn't have to use the straightener.  Alas, my wavy tresses made that impossible.  And my kids made the task not only tedious but life-threatening as they attempted to touch the socket, grab the hot straightener, and cause all kinds of havoc with their sweet, little hands.

I decided to shower and work out at night.

Once we arrived in MO, and started medical school, things shifted yet again.  With Ben's schedule changing weekly, there are nights he is at home and nights he is gone and no advanced warning as to which it will be.  It fully depends on his homework load and his studying pace.  As my love for mornings dwindled with each pregnancy, I have scorned the thought of getting up before my children.  Surely there would be opportunities to workout and shower at night.  But here we are, 2 months into our routine, and I still don't have a routine.

Did any of you read NPR's article entitled "Prioritizing Health or Hair?"  I am sure the idea in this--that women are choosing their locks over their health--caused quite a few guffaws from educated readers.  Unless they were moms.  I mean, who has time to exercise AND look beautiful?  When I actually find the energy to straighten my hair, do you really think I'm going to ruin it by exercising?  Heck no.

For many of you readers, you must remember me bemoaning the 20 lbs I gained from birth control.  I ditched the evil pill and am now contending with the extra weight.  Clearly I must decide between styling my hair and exercising--it's one or the other folks.

I think I might go back to AM exercising.  My kids don't wake up at night so I really don't have an excuse for limited Z's until I remember that IT'S THE MORNING.  Who wakes up just to sweat in the morning?

So I blame my hair for my extra weight.

Until I remember that I don't do my hair, either.  Drat.

Heather has asked that we just write. So I did. You can too.

Things I Would Like to Do

Properly Subtitled: When the Pain Disappears

1.  Write.  I have no trouble coming up with subjects to write about,  I only have trouble sitting down and writing them.  Sitting up for longer than 5 minutes usually has me bent over in pain and stuck on the couch for as long as the kids will leave me alone (read: 2 seconds).

2. Read blogs.  Once my laptop is fixed, again, I will have the option of reclining while on the computer.  Until then, the desktop is my only option.  Which requires sitting up.  (See # 1.)

3. Exercise.  I realize this is a crazy thing to admit, but I really love exercising.  Running, aerobics, dancing, you name it.  (Except for yoga.  I prefer Yoga after a good cardio workout.)  In a regular week, I will use my car maybe once or twice because I enjoy walking to my destinations with the kids--be it the library, the grocery store, or a friend's house.  Heck, I've found it to be a lesser hassle to load the kids into the stroller than into their car seats.  Unfortunately, I have had to limit my time exercising and even being outside with the kids.  Frustrating.

4. Clean.  I was able to keep the apartment in tip top shape, until I had the miscarriage.  After that, I am lucky if I can wash the dishes.  This is one of those times when I really want a dish washer other than myself.  (Ben is a huge help in many areas.  He lets me lie down for most of the day and does not expect me to do housework.)

5. Hold and play with the kids.  At this point, playing with the kids can only be done in short intervals.  (I'm talking the rowdy kind of play.  Reading books is still an option. )  Also, with Andrew needing me more than ever, I can only hold him while sitting or lying down.  Not so easy when it comes to taking care of other responsibilities.

As frustrating as the pain can be,  I am grateful for what it has taught me, like how to slow down and listen to my body and how to ask for help.  I'm sure the pain will disappear, eventually.