Questioning Words

My brain is full of words.

Two to four essays plus 2-4 lengthy papers a week.

Discussions with peers.

Writing, writing, writing.

But where to find the time?  And the energy?  If I weren't so close to finishing this quarter (3.5 weeks), I'd consider calling it quits.  With the tables turned and Ben supporting me through grad school - in a nontraditional manner as he works full-time and I am both a graduate student and stay-at-home mom - it's amazing how many words remain unsaid between us.  As I teeter from complete breakdowns to feeling on top of everything.

Mostly, the word is why.  Why did I decide to pursue a graduate degree now?  With two kids, 3 and 2, and another on the way (making it 3, 2, newborn)?

I suppose it's my crazy feminist-like belief that a woman should not neglect her dreams any more than a man should.  I also believed that all that support I provided my husband through his years of undergraduate education and that partial year of medical school (when, despite his being near the top of his class, he realized he did not want to pursue medicine) would provide a foundation from which he could support me.

Naturally, I thought I'd have more time during the day.  I forgot about the havoc two toddlers can cause in an hour and how exhausting pregnancy is, even in the second trimester.  Nap time work? Heh. Waking up early? If I want to risk feeling out of control from exhaustion for the next week.  Staying up late? Without the distractions of my husband, sure. The line between too much and too little is thin and those comforting words I've told myself since starting - you can do this, it will be difficult but worth it - aren't so comforting in the middle of it all.

And all those words spoken between us?  Of me explaining that I need his help and him saying that he will give it?  Are easier said than done.

Writing.

Talking.

Words.  So many words. Too many words.

What I want now is answers and time. Things that words can't give and that I can't seem to find.

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My gals at Momalom are hosting Five for Five.  Check it out!  And, they are combining forces with the lovely Heather for her Just Write series.  Pure awesomeness.

A Tribute to My One True Love

Today is my husband's birthday; the man who I adore.

My mind returns to the early days of our courtship--me, a young 16-year-old; him, a 19-year-old; both of us uniting, 4 years later, under the banner of marriage.

Each year I consider how I might properly pay tribute to my hero and each year I feel I fall short.  How can I celebrate a man who has taught me so much while watching me mature and come into womanhood?  Who has supported me through pregnancies, childbirth, miscarriages, school, work, and so much more?

I conclude that I cannot.  No celebration is worthy of his greatness; something I don't exaggerate--like I am living some fairy tale--but reference because it is my reality.  I have seen his faults, celebrated his victories, and continue to learn something new about him everyday (like how he prefers rainy over sunny days).  Yet I have found with each minute, day,  month, and year that he is still the perfect man for me.  He is my soul mate (a term I don't use lightly) and I will forever be grateful to the Universe in randomly uniting us.

So I must spoil him with gifts.  Books, clothes, food, and sleep.  As much sleep as he wants.

And I can gift him my words, though inadequate.

To My Sweetie:

I love you.  I love you so much that my heart verges on exploding leaving a pleasant yet intense pain in my chest.  Everyday I look at you and still feel those butterflies in my stomach.  I am shocked that you deigned to look upon me, let alone date me.  And when you asked for my hand in marriage?  That day in Alaska? Tears well up because I knew then, like I know now, that  no one else could compare to you.  My yes was not tentative nor did it come with caveats. I promised to support and encourage you in whatever decision you came upon.  So when you left for 2 years, and we broke off our engagement to make things easier, it was with heavy heart that I said good-bye.  My only solace came from nightly sob sessions as the hole in my heart grew.  But when we reunited, and you again asked me to marry you, I knew my future would only be complete with you in it.

I am proud of you and all that you've accomplished: undergraduate to medical school, you have worked your ass off and it shows.  Yet you've kept our family in mind in whatever decisions you've made.  Never letting things get in the way of our precious time together.

Last year, when things got tight, you picked up a second job.  This year, when it happened again, you supported me in working.  

You are the kindest, most compassionate man I know.   Thank you for teaching me the real meaning of Christ-like love, even after I left religion.  Without you, I would have still held onto my selfish tendencies; with you, I become a passionate person for those who are needy, under served, and far less privileged than we are.  

I love you. Let that encompass everything I feel toward you.

With complete adoration,

Amber

And Then He Washed the Dishes

Gender roles in our house are non-existent.

At least in theory.

In my head, I feel it is my responsibility to handle the day-to-day tasks and household duties.  These include big things like, making and keeping appointments, changing banks, finding the best health care for our family, and small things like, keeping up on dishes and laundry, vacuuming, and cleaning the bathrooms, etc.

Recently, after something happened in our family that I actually will not talk about on here (I know, the full disclosure queen, and I am not sharing everything), the dynamics in our family shifted.

For starters, I came home one evening to a clean house, clean clothes, a hot meal, and an empty sink next to a full dishwasher.

This has been the typical routine around here, I go to work, Ben does his thing, he comes home and cleans the house, picks the kids up, picks me up, and we all enter into a delightfully organized home.

I am adjusting to this new reality--a reality that includes sharing responsibility--and feeling pretty lucky with this arrangement.

Surprise, surprise, I also do not feel guilt with leaving things for Ben to complete.  It's refreshing.  I think we are becoming a team.  And it's really nice.

Why Being Married and Being A Parent Aren't That Different

Just because you are an adult, doesn't mean you stop acting like a child.  Proof is in the evidence--3 stories to be exact.

1. A few days ago, Ben was stomping around upstairs unable to find any clean undershirts.  As I was busy with the kids, I figured he had looked in all possible locations (given his habit of stuffing clothes in random drawers) and felt guilty for not keeping an eye on the laundry baskets.

Ha.  After he left, I went upstairs to put clothes away and, lo and behold, found a huge stack of clean white undershirts in his bottom drawer.  Truth is, I am a "good looker" (a quote from my 8-year-old sister), and Ben, well, he just isn't.

2. At a student fair, Ben and I dallied around checking out all the booths.  While he was busy signing up for a club, my eyes were drawn to the posters in the neighboring booth.  Displaying images of babies with phrases like "is this [baby] really harmful?"  caught my attention.  Considering my opinions on abortion, this isn't too surprising.  It was a pro-life organization for doctors and I couldn't help but ask the couple running the booth about their feelings on education. Ben saw where I was, and who I was talking to, and came over to investigate.  (Really he came over to mediate.)  We engaged in a respectful discussion until they quoted a statistic completely out of context (I won't bore you with the details).  Ben noticed the look in my eye, observed my stance, and recognized he needed to intervene.  Like a parent would do with an inquisitive pre-schooler (who asks questions like, "Momma, why is that kid brown?"), he grabbed my elbow and said, "time to go!'

3. Last night, after Ben came home from studying (and after watching Breaking Bad), Ben and I stayed up to talk.  We were sitting on the porch enjoying the nice air when I decided to go back inside and grab a glass of water.  I tried the door--locked.  Neither of us had keys on us and the garage was closed.  So we trooped around to the back and tried the back door.  No luck.  We had locked ourselves out.

We had no other options except to use the back window. So Ben took out the screen, opened the window, and boosted me into the house.  (Imagine doing this while under the influence and/or extremely exhausted.)  Wildly laughing, and completely off-balance, I managed to tumble onto the kitchen counter.  When I landed, I had to stop giggling before I could open the door and let Ben in the house.

Yep, a couple of teenagers.  Who also happen to be in their twenties, with two kids, and in grad school.

And now you know.

Care to share any stories?

This week's theme (for the supportive parents writing prompt) is sleep.  Do your kids have a sleep schedule?  How did you and/or your child handle changes?  Need to vent about your exhaustion?  Join me on Wednesday as I talk about Emily's evolving sleep habits--the good and the bad.  

It Takes Two

I have a wonderful marriage.  But, there are moments when it isn't so wonderful. Like when we are caught up in adversity and can't remember why exactly we wanted to do this whole kid and school and living poor business.

During those not-so-wonderful moments,  we discover what really keeps our marriage together.  Commitment.  (And love.  Lots of love.) We honor those sacred covenants that we made in the temple on our wedding day.    Well, it's more than honor, we believe in those covenants.  We believe that if we are completely faithful to each other, we can break the bonds of death and find Eternity.

Life is hard.  Everyone can agree on that.  In our lives right now, Ben is working two jobs, 70 hours a week, 7 days straight.  He doesn't have any breaks.  And I don't have any breaks.  Last night, when picking Ben up from work, I was extremely frazzled.   Ben asked about my state and I told him that I was tired from solo parenting for the past 3 days.  Because that's what happens when he works both jobs, as he is gone from 7 am until 11 pm.

Yet, we are making it work.  Even when I am so tired and Ben is so tired and the kids are cranky and we have bills piling up and our car breaks down and, oh you get the idea, we have learned to lean on each other for support.  As I mentioned, our interactions aren't always pleasant.  Thankfully, we believe in repentance and forgiveness. We've learned to let little things go and focus on the important things: How blessed we are to even have jobs, to have our beautiful children, and to have each other.

Sometimes I question the Big Plan.  Is it really necessary for Ben to be working so much when we will be entering medical school next year?  I mean, come on! I want a break!

I realize, though, that these trials are teaching us so much more than we think--and I won't always learn everything while in the middle of them.  It is my responsibility to stay faithful, and to keep my commitments.

We can and will make it through these difficult times.

Hey, with this guy on my side, I can do anything.

My Husband, the Superhero

I'm not really in the blogging mood right now.  I'm too busy feeling bad for myself.  So, instead of focusing on me, I'm going to talk about the most awesome person I know: my husband.

A couple weeks ago, Ben informed me that our finances were hurting.  Not in a oh-my-gosh-we-can't-pay-our-rent-this-month- kind of hurt, but very very close.  To keep our wallets insulated, my husband picked up a second job.  He will now be working 70+ hours a week from here until Eternity (that's how it feels, anyway).  When I suggested that I find something part-time or full-time he firmly told me no.  My health was a major factor in his reasoning, as was my desire to stay-at-home with the kids.  In his words, "I want to let you be a mom."  I think I fell in love with him all over again.

This guy is amazing.  He will be returning from his last medical school interview later this evening only to be at church early tomorrow morning and back to work for 32 straight hours soon thereafter.  All because he knows we need the money and, in his mind, that is his responsibility.

If you aren't yet convinced, I can bet that tonight he will ly get up with the kids in order to give me a break.  Of course, I am crossing my fingers that Andrew's new pattern (as in, since his daddy left town) of getting up every few hours will be broken tonight.  And, he will offer to massage my shoulders, listen to my weepy feel-sorry-for-myself stories, and even comfort me.

How did I snag this guy?

On a much brighter note, he has been accepted to all the medical schools he interviewed at.  I am so proud of him.  We now have the luxury of choosing between a few schools rather than going to a school because it was the only one he got into.  (That sounds very haughty.  It isn't intended to be like that.)  Naturally, we will let the Spirit guide us as we make the final choice.

Clearly, Ben is the better half.

Football and Spirituality

My team is not doing so hot this year.  In all my years of fanhood (something like 6), I have not witnessed such an awful season.  I believe I tempted fate by agreeing to cable, thinking it would be fun to watch our team trounce other teams.  Needless to say,  I am not having fun.

But I continue to watch their games each week.  I cheer them on, despite knowing there is only a -1% chance that they will win.  When they are losing, I stress their strengths, point out the improvements, and hope that next year these things will produce a winning season.

In many ways, I feel like my football team.  This year has been a hard one.  Colic, postpartum depression, miscarriage, loneliness, and another miscarriage have left me desperately dry.  So much so that I turned to Ben the other day and expressed, "I feel like a part of myself is missing.  The person I worked so hard to become--a loving and patient mother, a supportive and caring wife--has disappeared.  Anger, resentment, and depression have overridden my once happy existence.  I feel lost, alone, and confused."

My faith is still strong, but my self-worth has diminished.  Sure Heavenly Father will take care of His children, I tell myself, just not me.  Because I am unworthy.

I make countless mistakes during the day.  I pray, ask for forgiveness, and make the same mistakes again.  I ignore guidance while feeling increasingly sorry for myself.  During the hard times, I fail to recognize the blessings I have been given.

My record is a losing one.

Yet,  God has not given up on me.  He cheers me on even when He knows I might lose that game.  He reminds me of my strengths, points out my improvements, and remains on the side lines chanting my name.

He is my biggest fan.

I had to make some tough choices this week that placed people in hard positions.  Choices that were necessary, and felt right, for my health.  It was hard.  As I followed this prompting, I felt a small piece of myself return.  Ben being home more to help me is a big blessing,  yet it is much more than that.  My Spirit is transforming.  Back to the woman I was and so much more.  My mind is alive and my fingers are tingling as I reclaim my passion in writing.

I have much to improve on, of course, but the process doesn't seem so overwhelming.

See?  Football really is more than just a game.  (Wink, wink.)

Gottman, Conflict Styles, And Why I am Not Worried About My Marriage Revisited

While Ben and I are renewing our love for each other,  I am re-posting a few posts.  This was originally posted at Mormon Mommy Blogs and a post I really loved writing.  Enjoy!

Before I went to school, I was sure I could point out which marriages would succeed or fail. I would casually observe the marriages around me and secretly guess how long each couple would last. Not a very positive game, but I was surrounded by divorce and keen on avoiding it in my own marriage. After I married, these observations turned into an obsession. I was sure that marriages in which the couples argued a lot were doomed, but those that avoided conflict were even worse off. Surely the best marriages were ones in which arguing was rare but problems were not ignored. An even balance.

When my sister married, I watched her interactions between she and her husband closely. They seemed intent on avoiding any conflict. Rather than argue, they would shrug their shoulders and insist that time would solve their problems. They preferred to emphasize their similarities rather than discuss differences. I gave them a few years. At most.

A friend of mine, on the other hand, had the dream marriage. She and her husband would ignore the little things that bothered them and calmly discuss those issues that needed discussing. In these discussions, each partner would validate the speaker's point, showing understanding of how he or she might feel. That was how I wanted my marriage to be.

That was not how it happened. My husband and I are passionate. We argue frequently. We are not afraid to share our individual viewpoints and will often alternate between heated discussions and ridiculous laughter. We do not avoid conflict; rather, we choose to meet each difference head on. In my eyes, we were going nowhere fast.

That was until I took a marriage class a few months after our marriage. The professor introduced different conflict styles in marriage which patterned those above: avoidant, my sister's marriage; validating, my friend's marriage; and volatile, my marriage. He asked us which marriage we thought would most likely succeed. The majority of the class answered validating. To our surprise, he informed us that, actually, all three marriages were found to be equally successful.

As it turns out, John Gottman (1), a renowned marriage scholar, has extensively researched conflict styles in marriage. His findings have indicated that marriage conflict style does not predict marriage stability as much as the ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions. Whether you have a high volume of negatives and positives (volatile), a medium volume of these (validating), or a low amount (avoidant) did not matter; it was whether the positives outweighed the negative, with a ratio of 5 (positives) to 1 (negatives) as the most successful average.

Since that class, and many others, I have stopped obsessing over whether a marriage will succeed or fail. Instead, I have noted the positives in each marriage and prayed for their success. I also realized that my marriage actually has the potential to reach Eternity. I guess our intense arguments riddled with silly banter is a good thing after all.

How about you? What is your conflict style?

1. For more information you can read John Gottman's article, "The Roles of Conflict Engagement, Escalation, and Avoidance in Marital Interaction : A Longitudinal View of Five Types of Couples," in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.

Random Tidbits

When we were first married,  I insisted Ben always grocery shop with me.  We hate grocery shopping,  but it's one of those necessary evils.  Anyway,  he used to commiserate with a fellow friend whose wife also never grocery shopped without him.  They always had the best jokes (not).

Well.  Once I finished school,  it was absurd that I wait for Ben to shop; thus,  I learned to go without him.

Fast forward to now.  Because of my new pelvic rest mandate from the doctor,  I can no longer shop on my own.  Being the awesome wife that I am,  I made sure to point this out to my husband.

Now the joke is on him.

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I have a confession to make:  I'm still nursing Andrew.  Once I found out I was pregnant,  I decided to fully wean him.  He was taking formula twice a day, but once I made this decision the more he has resisted.  I started panicking once I was put on Progersterone supplements because of of the side effects is decreased milk supply.   Miraculously,  my milk supply has increased with this supplement.  I don't know if it's because God knew Andrew would need that time with me to ease the transition or if its because my body reacts in bizarre ways to medicine; whatever the reason,  I'm glad.

Will I nurse the entire pregnancy?  I don't know.  I guess I'll figure out what is best for both of us.

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With my last two pregnancies,  I remember experiencing the pregnancy brain phenomena,  but I forgot just how bad it gets.  Lately,  I will start an intelligent sentence and immediately forget a) what I was going to say b) the word(s) I was going to use or c) a combination of both.  Basically,  I come off like a bumbling idiot who stays at home with her kids.  Well,  for those who perceive me that way,  I do have a degree.  So there.

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Andrew and Emily have been alternating with different sicknesses the past few weeks.  Needless to say, our sleep has been less than beneficial.  However,  we can't entirely blame the kids.  Ben has been sleeping less because he is worried about his medical school applications and I have been sleeping poorly because of all my pregnancy worries.

But I'll stick with blaming the kids.  It's so much easier that way.

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I've was reading this history about the war between the states.  It was really interesting learning more about Grant and Sherman; unfortunately, the writing became so confusing that I had to put it down.  Between that and all the recent disappointments with fiction,  I have started reading my husband's Biology and Physiology textbooks.  I know,  call me a nerd,  but it is really entertaining!

A Simple Walk

Five for Ten is still going strong!  Click on over to see what all the fuss is about.  The theme for today and tomorrow is "memory."

When we started dating, I didn't think it would last. I was too young, too immature.  You made me believe that we could be something more, something eternal.

After 6 months, we started talking marriage.  With butterflies in my stomach, I allowed the fantasy to ignite.  You held me entranced by the promise of forever, a future that I once thought impossible.

One Sunday, we took a walk.  We went down a street with familiar houses.  There was a particular one for sale, we stopped to grab the flier.  Within minutes we talked about what could be.  A house.  A family.  You.  Me.

I suggested an alternative--you quit the job you hate, go back to school, and we become starving college students just trying to get by.  You wistfully smile and allow yourself to think about that for a minute until reality hits.  You feel trapped by a job.

You gave me a ring with a question.  I answered, without hesitation, "Yes!"

The dream was within reach.

Months later we decided to break up.  You felt the need to embrace a higher calling for two years.  You wanted to give back to God what he gave to you.  You embarked on a mission.  Those two years would transform us--our relationship--into a force so powerful that we only wait 27 days from when you return to get married.

For two years we bickered.  We broke each other's hearts multiple times.  We learned to have faith and to trust.  In God.  In ourselves.  In us.

A culmination of 4 years together and we finally had our forever.  A covenant in a temple is said, our reflection in mirrors is looked at, and tears of joy are shed.

Almost 3 years into marriage and we remember that walk.  We are indeed poor students.  But we aren't starving.  We are full.  With life.  With children.  With each other.

You are pursuing your career of choice, I am living mine.

A simple memory, a fleeting fantasy, that is still unfolding.

Eternity.

To Travel Or Not to Travel

"When I was looking at possible career choices, my wife told me she did not want me to pursue an occupation in sales.  Her father had been a salesperson and had experienced severe stress over his finances for the majority of her life.  With her desire in mind, I was careful in choosing my major. How do you feel about directing your spouse's career path?"  the Professor asked.

I thought about my experience with Ben's career choice.

Ben and I were both in school when we married.  He was just starting and I was almost half way finished.  Because of this unique arrangement, my opinion on Ben's career choice was highly valued.  I had only one  stipulation: he could not choose a career in which he would travel excessively.

It might seem mean or unfair that I was so forceful in my opinion, yet I know how I become when Ben leaves town.  A day or two before his departure, I become moody and unreachable.  I lash out at him for little things.  I am surly and unapproachable.  When he does leave,  it gets worse.  Arguments abound and jealousy ensues.  Our usually agreeable relationship turns into a cesspool of negativity.  Not exactly breeding grounds for a healthy marriage.  So, to ensure that our marriage stay intact, I knew the remedy: a career that would not require traveling.

With this in mind, Ben originally decided to pursue a doctorate in Psychology.  Sure this required a lot of school, but I knew this job would not require too much travel.

A semester into his undergrad, he felt dissatisfied with psychology.  He was unsure what other course to take, so he continued in his chosen path.  That next semester, though, he began looking into other things.  When he started looking into becoming a pilot, I became weary.  He asked my opinion on it and I told him I didn't think it was a good idea.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because, it would require that you be gone frequently.  You know my feelings on that.  You also know how I become when you do leave."

The reminder was enough to help him look elsewhere.

(You might be curious how I will hold up while he is in medical school.  It is different.  Maybe in a future post I will explain why.)

In answer to my professor's question, I feel a career choice is a joint decision. Choosing employment that may leave one or both spouses feeling overwhelmed is not a good idea.  In the end, employment is something the whole family will work at together.

How would you have responded to the question?

Smiling the Arguments Away (Maybe Not Away...)

Yesterday Ben and I got into an argument.  Right as things started getting heated, I felt the urge.  I tried to bite it back, not wanting Ben to feel patronized, but it came:  my goofy grin.

Naturally, it ticked Ben off.  He went to the kitchen to cool off while I went to our bedroom to get rid of that dang smile.  Within a few minutes we were sitting on the couch having a more civil discussion.  Later that evening, we giggled over the whole event.

I am happy to admit that I am not the only one who does this.  Ben also smiles when things get tense.  When I see him smile, I start to smile and then we both end up in fits of laughter on the couch.

Really, the worst time to smile is right in the middle of an argument, right? I don't think so.  That is, I don't think Gottman thinks so.

Disclaimer: If you didn't know this already, I am a big fan of Gottman.  When I think about marriage relationships, his research is generally at the forefront of my mind.  He is like my shoulder angel (in marriage, that is).

In his research, Gottman was able to quantify his observations and turn them into a mathematical model.  One of the fascinating results he found was the magical 5 to 1 ratio.   Happily married couples generally have five positive interactions to one negative interaction.  When a couple consistently dips below that magical number (meaning more negative than positive interactions) they are in danger.

Keeping this in mind reminds me that Ben and I have a built-in safety monitor in our relationship.  Neither of us enjoys conflict--especially with each other; thus, when our arguments are getting out of hand, we turn to our safety net: humor.

Ben's responsibilities plus my responsibilities are very overwhelming.  What keeps our relationship strong is our ability to laugh.  This doesn't mean we don't tackle the tough issues, it means that we can approach those issues without either of us becoming too defensive.  At least most of the time.

I think next time, though, I will try to hold my goofy grin in until after the serious part is over.

Talking, Sharing, and Serving: Three Things I Love About My Marriage

I will celebrate my third year of marriage in July.  "Three years ?!?!" you exclaim.  "Why, you are only a toddler in marriage years!"  I know.

This may be true, yet I feel as if we have been married forever.  Those years when we weren't together are a bit blurred.  Perhaps it is because we dated for so long.  (And when I was a rather young age.)  Or, maybe, it is because we have two kids babies.  Whatever the reason, I feel like a seasoned wife.

There are some aspects in my seasoned marriage that I really appreciate. Things that I hope to continue.

Talking

While we were dating, Mr. B pointed out my very hurtful habit of shutting off when I am upset.  This habit still haunts me, it is a constant battle.  Trial by trial, I am struggling to ignore my first inclination, to turn to stone on the outside (better known as stonewalling), and do as Mr. B has taught--talk it through.

This can be rough.  Talking usually involves an uncomfortable subject.  Something that needs to be changed, something that I don't want to change (at least on the inside).

Our talking has evolved with our marriage. Right now, face-to-face discussions are nearly impossible (unless we want to stay up until 2 am) (not likely).  To solve this potential stumbling block,  we have turned to modern technology: Google Chat. This has not only provided us with instant communication, but has also enabled me to better confront whatever fear is encouraging my stonewalling.

For instance,  I am in need of some serious time management coaching.  In a recent conversation (via Goggle Chat), I asked for some advice.  He, in return, asked me how I spend my time.  I instantly became defensive and began building up my walls.  Until I remembered that I had asked for his help in the first place!  Once that thought pierced my thick skull,  I tore those walls down.  I became receptive to Mr B's suggestions.

Sharing

I am very proud of Mr B.  He is proud of me.  We enjoy sharing our accomplishments.  When I graduated, Mr B threw me an awesome graduation party.  I had some cool cake, yummy food, and pleasant company.  He was truly happy for me.

When Mr B  recently received high honors for his superior grades, I not only smiled but looked for a way to celebrate with him.  We went out to his favorite restaurant.  I tried to show him how happy I was for the reward he deserved. Really, his wins are my wins.

Because we share this part of our world together,  I feel closer to him.  I know that when I have a good day, I can expect a nice hug and smile.  I also know that when my day goes awry, I have a shoulder/back rub to look forward to.

Serving

The best piece of advice I received before we married was to selflessly serve your spouse everyday.    Seeing as how I am lazy, being selfless doesn't exactly come naturally.  But, as I have struggled against my natural urgings of selfishness, I have found something wonderful: happiness.

When I make the bed, clean the kitchen, keep up on the laundry, and tidy up the living room, I am greeted with a hearty "Thanks!" when Mr B comes home from a long, tough day.  The gratitude is not my only reason for selfless service, it is the love that I am constantly gaining for my husband.  See, it is hard to be angry toward someone that you serve.  This is true.  If you don't believe me, try it.

Now, don't you go thinking that I only serve in our relationship, because you would be wrong.  Dead wrong.  I would have to say that Mr B does most of the serving around here.  When I am having a hard day, he will come home and pick up for me.  When he knows I am feeling down or sick, he will pick up dinner.  He does those tasks that I shy away from, like bath time at night.  He gets the house looking shiny on the weekends.  Most importantly, he takes care of my emotional and mental needs.  He lends a listening ear at 2 am.  He provides mental stimulation, through conversations, at night.  He heaps charming accolades upon my achievements.  Even if they are undeserving.

As we talk, share, and serve, our marriage matures.  It becomes less wistful and more stable.  It becomes more Eternal.

This is part of Chocolate on my Cranium's weekly Wordfull Wednesday challenge. Check out her blog to find other entries!