Let's Support Each Other

When I wrote about competitive parenting, Kristen asked that I "come up with a name for [my] new school of non-judgmental parenting so we can all join you and feel validated."  Kristen, I will do more than that.

We all have our bad days. Days when nothing seems to go right. However, all of us are great parents, with our own parenting flair. To bring out this flair in a supportive environment, I decided to do a weekly meme (for lack of better term) in which I share one thing I am proud of doing as a parent. I would like to invite all of you to do the same! I even created a button for it!

<a href="http://www.makingthemomentscount.com/2010/12/15/lets-support-each-other/" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.makingthemomentscount.com/SupportiveParentingButton.jpg" alt="MakingtheMomentsCount.com" width="125" height="125" /></a>

I know. I'm so creative. (Don't laugh.)

Anyway. If you care to join me, please do! I will be presenting my first post next Wednesday but you can write yours any day of the week just let me know so I can read and share it with others! (Have I used enough exclamation points?!!!)

Even if you don't participate, I hope by reading my positive parenting posts, you will remember how awesome you already are.

Friday Night Awesomeness

On Friday, Ben and I decided to visit the great city north of us so we could dine at our favorite restaurant, Pei Wei, and walk around Temple Square.  Realizing that we were heading to the city, I called a blog friend and asked if she would like to meet, in real life, that night.  She agreed (because I wouldn't take no for an answer) and oh-my-goodness, it was fun.

Firstly, not only are her kids adorable, but she is extra gorgeous!





Secondly, our kids played very well.



Thirdly, our husbands got along.  Big bonus.

Fourthly, we chatted about everything.   I think I've found a lifelong friend, if she'll accept. (Pretty please!?)



I will certainly be seeing her again.

Thanks, Kristen, for letting us crash your Friday night party!

Go visit Kristen at Enjoying Every Moment.  You will not be disappointed.

A Big Slobbery Thank You

It just so happens that I forgot to mention one major culprit in my emotional drama of last week: Miss Flow.  While I am grateful for this physical reminder of my fertility, I can't exactly gush about how she messes up my emotions.  Everything seems much more dramatic when she visits.

I recovered a bit of my spice over the weekend.  Your comments were a gigantic help in reminding me of the support group I have.   As much as days like those suck, it feels less overwhelming when I know that other people can relate.  Reading your comments while drinking Diet Dr. Pepper certainly alleviated much of the sadness I felt.

In case I forget how incredibly lucky I am, let me list a few things that made me smile this weekend.



Watching this little girl canter and twirl around our living room.

Feeling her sweet, slobbery kisses on my cheek.

Smiling as she sings little songs about me, Ben, and her little brother.



Tickling his numerous rolls.

Listening to his little baby noises.

Feeling like the greatest mom in the world as he smiles and laughs when I walk into the room.

Finally, all of you.  Your kind words of support.  Your wise suggestions.  Your digital hugs.  I really am a lucky gal.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

The Devil Made Me Do It

I've always considered myself extroverted.  In my growing up years, I enjoyed chatting with my classmates and friends.  I didn't think anything of how I enjoyed reading a good book over hanging out with friends, I blamed my lack of time or lack of transportation.  Besides, my older sister constantly had friends in and out of the house.  I felt adequately socialized through my interactions with them.

The fear, though, the fear did confuse me.  The suffocating fear that I feel when I am going to an event all alone.  Without a friend or my husband.  That fear convinced me of my real tendency toward introversion.  But, as with all things, facing this fear helps me to grow.  At least I'd like to think so.

In February, I decided to attend Sue's bloganthropy brunch.  I mean, it sounded fun.  I would get to meet fellow bloggers, dine, and have a great time!  Sure, I didn't really know what "bloganthropy" meant, but I thought, what the heck?  Can't go wrong with a good time, right?  I signed the McLinky assuring the hosts that I would be attending.

Well, if you remember, February turned out to be a blue month.  Blue meaning SICK month.   So, on the eve of the brunch, after I had bought a few pastry items to share, I realized I couldn't go.  Ben wasn't able to watch the kids and both of them were sick! Besides, other kids were going to be there.  The mothers would have been horrified if I brought sickness in! Yes, I did manage to ignore the real reason I couldn't attend: my fear.

I shot of a quick e-mail to Sue explaining my situation and breathed in a sigh of relief.  There was always the next month.

March came rolling in much too fast.  Without warning, Kristina announced the next bloganthropy event: Snuggies for Seniors.  This fundraiser would also include a blog brunch.    Despite the fact it was being held at a buffet, I signed my name to the McLinky and immediately made plans to attend.

Two days before the event I realized what I had done.  I had agreed to attend a brunch, at a buffet, with my two kids, without knowing any person there previously.  I had basically signed a death warrant for myself.  Cause of death?  Heart attack.

I started thinking of millions of reasons why I couldn't come.  It was a 45 minute drive.  It was during nap and lunchtime.  Andrew is kind of fussy.  After confessing all these reasons to my husband, he told me I needed to decide.  If I didn't want to go, I really didn't have to go.

Decision time.

At 2 am I finally convinced myself I was going.  Even if I died of a stress induced heart attack, I was going to attend.

Attend I did.

I left reasonably early.  I didn't realize, though, that my directions were based on a route that would take me 20 minutes longer than I had calculated.  So, I was late.  Late!!  By the time I got there, I was sweating profusely and my heart was pounding.  I was on the verge of tears.  I sucked up the last of my courage, slung my humungous diaper bag and Emily on one arm, grabbed Andrews car seat with the other, and headed inside.  I am sure I was a sight to behold.

Inside I quickly (and luckily) located Kristina to ask her where everyone was congregated.  She pointed and I boldly marched into the room.

The rest of the memory is quite hazy.  I am sure I met a few people, said many embarrasing things, and managed to exude confidence.

After I left I promised myself to never do it again.

Except for one thing: I am now a member of the service soap box team.  Gulp.  This means I am going to do this whole meeting thing once a month.

This month's service event is a baby shower.   Not any baby shower, but a baby shower to benefit the March of Dimes Teddy Bear Den Program.  While it does have a pretty cool event planned, it also includes a virtual shower component! That way, if you don't live in Utah, or are absolutely terrified of other bloggers (like I am), you can donate this way!

What am I going to do? Well, I'm going to attend the shower of course.  Yes, I will be taking both kids, again, but at least I kind of know the other bloggers.  Kind of.  Well, I still have 16 days to prepare!

Anyone want to come with me?  I would really love the extra hands.

I Can Find Alone Time!

I think that cliff hanger was pretty awesome.

In yesterday's post, Wolf presented three things (sanity networking, furs for perfumes, and thanks for angels) to help all of us find some alone time.  With this half, she will provide us with more specifics.

How to get a moment alone (and what to do with it once you get it) Part 2

Network

Without question, it’s easier to build a network when your children hit preschool or elementary school. You have a built-in community with whom you share common ground. You can help each other in a pinch, including finding a way to get an hour or two to yourself. If your children are younger, you may be able to build your network from mothers you meet on the local playground, after church or synagogue services, or by other means.

• If you don’t have a network, start building one. It won’t happen overnight. We’re talking about getting to know others who will potentially care for your children.


• Is there someone you trust to spend an hour or two with your child? Someone from church, for example? Or a neighbor you’ve gotten to know over the past several years?


• Is it possible to ask that person to stay during naptime – perhaps for an hour? Make it clear that you cannot afford a babysitter at this time, but you would be more than happy to reciprocate.


• Suggest that you spend some time together first. Invite her (and her child or children) to your place – for coffee or tea. Get to know each other and see how it feels.


• The act of sharing some adult time with another parent in your situation will be helpful. You won’t feel so isolated. And then give it a try – cell phone numbers exchanged – and don’t go very far the first time if you prefer. Maybe for a walk in the neighborhood. And eventually, an hour or two for yourself, every other week – or whatever works for you.


• Tap into your blogging community. What other mothers may live near you, or have a sister or cousin or friend who’s in the same boat, who may live in your area?

Is it easy?

No, but it is workable. Am I a trained life coach, psychologist, or educator? Nope. One weary, single mom, offering suggestions from years of experience.

Exchange of services, including for babysitting

Need a way to find a babysitter that won’t cost $10 to $15 / hour? Not sure where to start?

• Try your clergy, your neighbor, your alumni association, a local college. Well, you’re thinking, there’s no trading off kids in that scenario. True enough, but you could trade services.


• Talk to people when you’re out. Be friendly. In line at Starbucks or Caribou. At the library. In the pediatrician’s office. You never know when you might strike up a conversation with someone who can help, and whom you can help.

Are there skills you might trade with a college or graduate student? Absolutely! Perhaps it’s proofing, editing, Spanish tutoring, web site design suggestions. Believe me – you have skills, and they have value. Exchange them for something of value to yourself. Something like a little “me” time that will keep you healthy and sane.

Angels

There really have been angels on my life and the lives of my children. There is a remarkable woman in my neighborhood, a piano teacher, who gives lessons to my younger son. Free of charge. She also made arrangements for us to get a piano at no cost. We didn’t have one, and I certainly couldn’t afford it.

This wonderful individual has been teaching my teenager for 18 months. He adores her; she adores him. She is an angel to both of us, and in his own way, he is an angel for her. Unlike the little ones she’s used to, he wants to be there. He practices for hours each day, has begun composing, and has made remarkable progress in a very short time. She pushes him – hard – and surely she senses that she is influencing his future. Tremendously.

Angels are real. We are each other’s angels.

So what can you do with an hour or two and no money?

Think you can’t renew with an hour or two?

• Even an hour is enough to browse a local bookstore, sit and read (without buying), watch people, write, or simply wander the aisles and poke around whatever is of interest.


• That same amount of time would permit you go to a nearby department store and meander. Try the perfumes. Chat with strangers. Have your make-up done for fun. (It’s free.)


• Or, talk to no one. Sit on a bench with a thermos of coffee you bring from home, and watch the world go by. No one is asking anything of you. (And remember to leave the credit card or check book at home – if I can do it – you can do it!)


• No mall nearby? Take your thermos and a paperback and go. Walk to a nearby park. Sit, sip, watch, read. Breathe. Be part of the world in the most unobtrusive way. Free of charge, while you charge your own battery.


• Perhaps you enjoy massage, but you can’t afford it. Furs for perfume. Perhaps you try a masseuse at a local hairdresser who might exchange a 30-minute session for practice with English as a second language. Or learning to crochet, or bake. Get creative. Trade. Ask.

Another thought? I used to be an avid quilter. I find it relaxing – especially the design and piecing of the top. I always quilted in small bits, and by hand rather than machine. That made my sewing portable, and also, when we use our hands, we seem to naturally unwind.

If you can use your hands to make something, consider it. Knit. Embroider. Knead bread. Try origami. Fold forms from paper and make a mobile for your babies!

A final word on how you spend your time

Even now, with teenagers, I’m a single mom with no “backup.” It’s not as crazy as it was when they were little; it’s crazy differently. I feel like I’m always on duty, or at the very least, on call. But over the past few years, I’ve slowly taken back chunks of time for myself. Probably not enough, or often enough, but I’m doing it. It’s good for my kids, and it’s good for me.

Even if all I do with that time is sit in a bookstore and watch, and write – I’m close enough to be accessible, I’m less isolated because I’m around people and movement – and that is the stuff that nourishes us as people, and fuels us as writers.

Last resort? Host a Latvian. Maybe you’ll find one who can babysit! And yes, hungry foreign students certainly add to the food bill, but the laughter alone is worth its weight in gold. Or rather, dzintars – and the irony in that? It is precious currency indeed, and it means Amber.

******

Wolf, I am deeply grateful for this thoughtful--and thought provoking--guest post/extensive comment.

I know that I have many angels surrounding me.  Many friends who would be willing to step in and give me a break.  But, I usually hold back because I don't want to be a burden.  With these ideas, though, I feel a surge in confidence.  I like bartering.  Both sides win.

10 Second Post

Dear Readers,

Thank you so much for your advice.   I read each and every comment to Ben.

Thank you so much for praising Ben.  Like any person, he needs to hear that from time to time from someone besides me.

Thank you so much for telling me about your ingredients in your guilt sandwiches.

Thank you for being patient with me.

Since this is another busy week, a few friends agreed to save me by guest posting.  I hope you are excited!

Shoot. My 10 seconds are up.

To show you my gratitude I am relieving you of your comment responsibilities.  Go ahead and let out a sigh.  Sometimes it's nice to have a break, huh?

Love,

Amber

Who Gets Up With the Baby?

Before we were married, Ben and I had a long discussion about division of household chores.  He suggested, and I agreed, that if he works full-time, I would also work full-time doing the household chores.  When he came home, we would share the remainder of the tasks.

This worked well.  In the beginning, we both worked part-time and attended school full-time and shared the household chores.

After we had Emily, things changed.  I quit working but continued to attend school full-time.  It seemed natural that I would take care of the household chores.

After a couple of months, we realized we needed to re-evaluate this division.  It was nearly impossible for me to take care of a colicky baby, finish homework, and stay on top of meals, dishes, and laundry.  Thus, Ben began cooking and cleaning more.  I focused on the laundry.  It worked rather well.

Breaking up household tasks was easy.  Breaking up who gets up with the baby was harder, is still hard.

With Emily, Ben and I would both get up.  He would change the diapers, I would take care of the feedings (obviously).  It was an arrangement that worked quite well.

When Andrew arrived, things changed.  I was no longer juggling school and mothering.  I became a fully certified stay-at-home mom.  Ben, though, is busier.  Between 4 part-time jobs (equaling about 20-25 hours per week total), 16-17 credits of pre-med courses, and MCAT studying, his time is limited.  He stays up later than me and usually gets up earlier than me.  It seemed logical, in my mind, that he forgo night time duties.  I didn't explain this shift to him, I just stopped waking him up at night.

A week or so ago, I explained to Ben that Andrew would probably sleep longer through the night if I would get up to change him rather than just allowing him to find comfort in eating.  I just don't want to deal with getting up and changing him.  So, because of my laziness, I am actually getting less sleep. Ben reminded me that he can also help.  If I give him Andrew, he would be happy to change him.  Yet, it seems illogical that both of us lose sleep.  I figure that since I am home all day, I should solely handle Andrew at night.

My question for you is this.  Should I include Ben in night time tasks if he is already getting less sleep than I am?  If yes, how can I do this without burdening him even more?

Alternatively, any advice on kicking my lazy habit of not changing Andrew's diaper in the middle of the night? That is probably more pressing.

Thank you, in advance, for any advice you share.

Manna from Heaven

I have an evil voice that dwells inside me.  The demon likes to whisper words of discouragement.  This demon has many faces--the mommy demon, the wife demon, the writing demon.  Sometimes I battle more than one face, but usually one is stronger than the others.  Last week it was the writing demon.

Your writing is getting worse.  People will not want to read THAT.  You know that people are tired of reading your stuff, they want something more, something you can't give.  You should just give up.

I ignored the voice for as long as  I could.  Soon, though, my blog stats went down, the comments decreased, and I started listening to the demon.

Your readers are gone and they aren't going to come back. You are alone.


Its taunting whispers had turned into jeering shouts.  They overwhelmed to the point of suffocation, to the point that I couldn't take it anymore.  I just stopped.

I took a day off.

Then I received an e-mail, and a couple comments, each informing me of an award that was waiting for me to claim.  I was elated and became giddy.  My giddiness halted the demon's voice until it was so faint that I couldn't hear it anymore.

And now I get the opportunity to pass on these awards.

First, from Charlotte at Memories for Later, I received the Happy 101 Award.



I am pleased to pass this onto Big Little Wolf over at Big Little Wolf's Daily Plate of Crazy.  This lady makes me smile everyday.  If you haven't met her, click on over and enjoy her delightful and thought provoking posts.

Kelly and Suzicate sent the Sunshine Award my way.



I get to pass this onto 10 other bloggers.  I decided to give this to bloggers I have recently found and extremely enjoy.

1) Kristen at Enjoying Every Moment shares the joy of having 2 kids under two with me.  Her posts are reflections of my life on a daily basis.

2) Eva at Eva Evolving shares daily snippets of things she has learned.  I often walk away with much to ponder after reading her inspiring posts.

3) Wild at Random Musings of the Wild Mind provides (almost) daily doses of questions that have me thinking for hours on end.

4) Jen at Happy Shining People shares her joy of motherhood through pictures.

5) Marvett at Savoring the Simple is a talented photographer that captures her daily life through her lens.  I would love to pay her to photograph my daily life.

6) Serene at Serene is My Name, Not My Life! makes me giggle over her kid's daily antics.

7) Nicki at Nicki's Thoughts, Art, and Friends is writer that gives me something to chew on daily.

8 ) Luisa at Novembrance is a published author who gives me beautiful word gems whenever she writes.

9) Kim at Temporary? Insanity is my alter ego.  Except, she is the better half.  She writes marvelously, produces beautiful girls (I claim them for my boys!), and eloquently catalogues her weight loss journey.

10) The Damsel In Dis Dress at Old School provides timely recipes and cheap and easy how tos for things around the house.

Finally, Wolf presented me with the Sugar Doll Award.  Can I just say I smiled bigger than ever before when I saw this? Because I did.

To accept this award, I must agree to relating 10 things you don't know about me.  I will be doing this over the next 10 days.  Aren't you excited?

I am passing this off to Melanie J over at Write Stuff for her often amusing ramblings and Kelly at The Miller Mix because, well, she is amazing.

So, ladies, I can't wait to read your list of 10 things!

Dreary and Dark Vs. Cheery and Bright

I was going to talk about the awards I have received lately, but I can't.  Not today.  Today is a day for reflection.

I was glancing through my blog stats,  smiling over the Google searches that landed some unsuspecting soul into my blogging world, when I saw a phrase that caught my breath: tired of being a mother.

I was instantly transported back to the day I wrote that post.

Motherhood, for me, is like a roller coaster.  Once I have begun that thrilling ride down the ramp, opened my eyes, lifted my arms confidently, I reach the bottom and look up, terrified by the apex of the roller coaster.

I had reached the bottom that day.  I felt deflated.  Unsure of where to go, who to turn to, and how to handle the cries of my babies.  I did the one thing I knew would bring relief: I wrote.  I described the emotions tearing apart my sanity.  I, unknowingly, cried out for help.  And I found comfort.

I have been sailing down the ramp these past few weeks, feeling confident in my mothering abilities.  Yet,  that day has hovered around my consciousness.  Reminding me that I will inevitably feel its tortuous bond, cutting deep into my psyche, leaving me to limp slowly around my apartment, unaware of my babies' needs.

Today, though, I look around my messy apartment.  Frowning that I picked it up just yesterday and smiling at the proof entropy's existence.  Irritated that I put Manly down for a nap, only to have him wake up moments later, ticked at me for putting him down rather than holding him.  Glad that the Queen is happily engaged in "reading" her favorite story book.

Negative emotions, positive emotions, each coming and going.
Reminding me that I am human, that I am alive, that I am blessed.

To that lady who is tired of being a mother, I promise that it will pass.  Find a friend (or a dozen!), shed a few (or a hundred) tears, and take a nap.  Forget the messes for a day or two.  Listen to your child giggle.  Take a picture of your child's eyes.  Snuggle, snuggle, snuggle.

It may take a few days to recuperate from a dark day, but know that the sun will greet you, wipe your tears away with it's rays, and hug you tight with its warmth.  A community of wonderful mothers (and fathers) can be found on-line.  I know because I have found them.

The dreary days stand as a stark contrast to the cheery days.  A contrast that I welcome.

A Post With Really Great Transitions!

I used to dream about being a stripper.  I mean, looking like a stripper.  So, when Kelly reminded me that Amber is a common stripper name,  I was ecstatic.  She is right!  Since I have half of the stripper package (i.e. the name),  I am almost set in pursuing my dream.  Plus, I have always wanted to install a stripper bar in my bedroom.  Just imagine all the excitement that will bring!  I am sure my husband will assent to this new game plan.  The money is another incentive. Anyway,  I have decided to keep my name.  All of you can now rest easy knowing that I will still be  Amber tomorrow.  And maybe a stripper.

Speaking of names,  I can't keep a secret.  A secret identity that is.  Like the whole keeping my kid's names a secret in the blog land? Not gonna happen.   Thus, I have decided to get rid of all our nicknames.  Not right now!  I am going to do it in a fun way.  I am quivering with anticipation just thinking about it.

I am also quivering with anticipation because I have been given a whole slew (isn't that word great?!?) of awards recently that I need to pass on.  Along with these awards, I need to share a list of things you don't know about me.  I am pretty sure that I have disclosed everything about me on this blog already, but I will dig deep and find something awesome to share.

The end.

P.S. My kids say hi. They also say that I have been officially ungrounded.  Lucky me!

P.P.S. I know that all of you have harbored a dream or two of becoming a stripper. Admit it!

Saving Money and Cable TV

Over the summer, B was accepted into an internship that meant moving a few states over and into his mom's house.  While not cooking dinner was nice, cable television was even nicer.

I was 5 months pregnant and tired.  Watching mindless television when the Queen was napping was fantastic.

I had my rules.  I would not turn the television on while the Queen was awake.  She deserved my full attention, even if it was from a couch (I was suffering through major guilt of having taken her babyhood away).  Besides, I really didn't want her to have nightmares from watching my kind of television.  You know, the creepy kind of television.  I am a sucker for mysteries and thrillers.

Every night after we ate dinner, B and I would put the Queen to bed and snuggle on the couch to watch an episode of Cold Case.  Oh, how we loved that show.  It provided everything from romance to humor to mystery.  Fantastic.

If Cold Case was unavaliable, we'd watch some kind of documentary like Gang Land. That was cool.

All too soon, our little vacation was over.  We moved back to our dinky apartment and mourned the loss of modern technology.

You see, we don't own a television.  That's right.  We are medieval like that. (We also don't own a dishwasher or laptop but that's for another post.)

We didn't intend to not own a television, it just worked out that way.  When we married, we had a tiny TV, but no cable.  After awhile, our computer was more convenient to watch movies on so we (literally) kicked the TV to the curb.  So long, sucka!

When we moved to our new apartment, we were faced with  a decision: do we get a new TV?  This led to a re-evaluation of why we decided no cable in the first place.

At this point in our lives, we do whatever is necessary to make ends meet.  We limit our eating out to once a week,  we are gravitating to cloth diapers, we turn on the heater only when it's necessary, and we own very used--and old--vehicles.  Anything to save money.

When we talked about cable we discussed the pros and cons.  Sure, we might have nightly entertainment, but the money we would save without it seemed more important.

Without one second thought, we decided no cable and no new TV.

We haven't looked back since.

The Tale of the Gypsy Wanderer

Once upon a time, there was a gypsy named Ambrosia.

Ambrosia traveled far and wide to find her true self.  She ran to escape the demands of her daily life. On the road, she encountered fellow travelers. These travelers offered sage advice and friendship.

Feeling more understood than ever before, Ambrosia began to walk. Her journey became an adventure rather than an escape.

After a few short months, Ambrosia found herself. She turned around and walked home without any trepidation. Only with excitement.

Hello there. I used to be Ambrosia. Thanks to you (yes, even you lurking in the corner) I have found myself. There is no need to hide behind the mask I created.

I am Amber. I am a mom. A happy mom.

I recently won a battle with depression. A victory that God and you helped me achieve.

What does this victory mean?

It means that I am Amber again. I am that kind, silly girl I used to be. I am able to laugh and giggle with the Queen. I can smile and coo with Manly. I have rediscovered the funny side of life.

Strangely, I am grateful for my bout with depression. I have gained an understanding and appreciation for those who struggle with it day in and day out. I can console friends who struggle.

I have learned the importance of ups and downs in everyday life. I am not talking about the convulated ups and downs as seen in the prism of a depressed perspective, but the normal ups and downs experienced in living life.

I have days when  I feel completely knocked down followed by days of incomprehesible joy. I have silly days and sad days. Each of these are necessary. How could I see the joy if I didn't have the sorrow? How could I appreciate happiness if I didn't feel blue? It is the natural flow of living life.

Ladies (and men), thank you for aiding me in my journey.

I still have much to overcome. Days where I will feel desolate, disconsolate, melancholy, and heavyhearted.

I also have much to look forward to. Days of triumphs, bliss, felicity, and euphoria.

Through my continuous journey, I will seek your help again. The important thing is that I have learned to help myself.

Hello. I am no longer Ambrosia. I am Amber. It is nice to meet you, all of you.