It's Like Swimming in an Endless Ocean

Amelia is very colicky.

Not fussy.  Not grumpy.  Colicky.

(I would encourage you to read about colic to see the difference.)

Colic is uncontrollable crying for 3 hours on 3 or more days a week.  Generally it has periodic breaks. This last week, for instance, Amelia cried for three days straight (it seemed) and then was happy for two.  There is no pattern.  It occurs regardless of what I eat or don't eat, how much I drink, or what is going on during the day. It's just colic.

To repeat a common phrase, it is what it is.

I have this phobia of water.  Swimming in pools is usually okay because there are visible edges I can swim to when I get tired and/or the fear sets in.  But in places like rivers, lakes, seas, or the ocean I visibly freeze when my feet touch the water or when I see family members swim past the shore.

I imagine being stranded in the middle of these bodies of water without any visible shores or edges.  My arms paddling, my feet kicking, and my brain sending panicky signals as I realize there is nothing to rest on; no edge to swim to.  My body is sore.  My brain is thick.  I am afraid of drowning in this place.

That's how colic feels.  On those days when I do reach the edge - when the cries have abated - I find firm footing and stay there.  I get as much done as I can (resting on the shore) before the next bout occurs (swimming in the middle of the ocean).  It's exhausting for the whole family (including Amelia).

The experience I gained from my previous fussy babies (in which I tried everything from cutting out milk to basically cutting out all foods - which led to major depression, weight loss, and other severe things that I don't want repeated - and those gas drops, none of which worked) tells me that this period is temporary.  Between 4 and 6 months, it will either cease or reduce dramatically.  Amelia and I will find that shore, get in the car, and drive away.  Far away.

In the meantime, I dance, rock, sing, and sway my fussy baby.  She and I swim together in this ocean with brief rests on the shore.

Through it all, I kiss her cheeks, stroke her head, and tell her how much I love her.  I let her know that she is the miracle we all waited for and that I wouldn't trade those tear-filled moments for anything (except maybe for a few minutes of shut-eye, just kidding).

The Ultrasound. It's A.....

I love school, with only a few exceptions.  It has taken over my life! I am working really hard  on finding some balance, but it's a constant battle.  I figure with all the papers I'm writing (at least a 5 pager a week) (which is only difficult as I have to research academic stuff) (and that can be boring), I shall soon become an expert writer.  And maybe, just maybe, will use these skills to write a memoir.  Or continue into a doctorate program and focus on research stuff.  I won't tell you which one I favor as my geek will totally come through and, for my kids' sake, I'm trying to "cool" myself up.

Um, yeah.

In other news, I'm over 20 weeks (22.2 exactly) and will finally have my ultrasound (moving, changing doctors, and insurance stuff really delayed the process) today.  The question that is on everyone's mind is, what will I have?  A boy? A girl? Twins? (Haha, it's one baby BUT IT'S POSSIBLE.)

However, I am taking the crazy route and not finding out.

That's right, folks.  This baby will be the first in our family to not have a gender until birth!  Er...rather, for us not to know the gender.

With our first two, it was imperative that I find out.  Seriously.  I would lay awake at night wondering who inhabited my body.  Now, I want to be surprised.  This will be the last pregnancy and I want it to be as special as both Emily's and Andrew's were and there is no real urgency in finding out the sex now.  I mean, even when I did know Andrew's sex I still didn't buy clothes until after he was born (although, in my defense, that's because he came a leeeetle bit early).

And that's it: School, baby, two other kids, craziness.

We Won the Lottery!

Way back in November, Ben came home one day and said, "I can't do this anymore.  I hate school and do not want to suffer through another 4 years of it."  The next morning, we talked to the VP of student affairs and agreed on a 90-day leave of absence.  After that, Ben would determine whether he wanted to return.

Soon after starting my bed rest, Ben made his decision.  He liked spending time with his kids and hanging out with his wife.  He did not want a profession that wouldn't allow him to parent and be a partner in our marriage; he wanted to do something that would satisfy his career goals and provide for a good home life.

I would go into further details, but it's his story not mine.  I will say that I am incredibly proud of him for making this difficult decision.  It wasn't easy, but he did what was best for him and his family.

Last year, I wrote about not choosing between work and family.  The post indicates a problem in our society: many people do not have a suitable work-life balance.  It is possible, but may require a great deal of creativity.  For our family, both of us working satisfies this.  Being a stay-at-home parent stresses me out, but I'm also not happy when I'm working insane hours (something that was happening at my last place of employment, and a reason behind quitting).  The same thing (mostly) goes for Ben.  Yet, if both of us are working, we make more than enough for our family and we have plenty of time to hang out with each other.  Naturally, we must also have careers that we enjoy.

After submitting hundreds of resumes and applications, Ben received a phone call from a company asking for a phone interview.  After that interview, he had another interview, then another interview. Finally, they called and offered him a position as manager-in-training.  They pay for training, then put him in a series of different shifts with job shadowing for on-the-job training.  After 6-12 months, he can be promoted to a managerial position with a significant increase in pay.  He can rise as high as he wants in the company and gain excellent experience. Basically, this company seeks to train its managers so they can promote from within.  They are also incredibly family oriented and have a number of minority slots filled by capable women and men.  It is a wonderful opportunity and I am thrilled for him to start.

This job will require that we move to the city, something that we are more than happy to do and what I've wanted since quitting my job.  The city has many more part-time job opportunities with universities that would be perfect for the path I am currently pursuing.

It feels like we've won the lottery.  Not the multi-million dollar one, but the lottery of life.  While many would consider it a set-back to start then withdraw from medical school, I see it as a good directional change.  Why would I ask my husband to pursue a degree in something that doesn't make him happy and would require that he spend far too many hours away from his family?  90-hour work weeks are cool if you don't have a wife and kids who actually want to see you.  (Which brings up a different topic entirely, how this country has unrealistic expectations for its doctors yet refuses to care for them.)  I am just incredibly excited for this new venture.