Monday, January 23, 2012

Why I Don't Look to the Future

I am ten weeks today and crying that we've made it this far.

When I wake up and remember that I'm still pregnant, I feel my heart jumping for joy.  I would join in if I weren't laid up with HG.  And if I weren't struggling with incontinence.

I have had several questions regarding this pregnancy: how I want to do this birth, if we are going to find out the gender, etc.  Honestly, I don't think about those things.  I am enjoying living day-to-day while not worrying about the future.  The future will happen; but this day-to-day stuff can't be repeated.  Even if the routine includes bed rest, weight loss, incessant nausea, and medicine taken frequently to limit the vomiting.

Even though I had to quit my job, I've spent more quality time with the kids than I have in a while.  With things changing--from pregnancy to ideology--I am finding more value in the extra time I have with Emily and Andrew.

When I quit my job, I didn't feel sadness.  It's not that I didn't like working, it's that quitting felt right.

See, the truth is, this will be my last pregnancy.  When the HG started, I felt relieved in knowing that I would need to quit.  It meant more time to enjoy the pregnancy, my babies, and figure out what I want with my future.  (Also, I will be starting my Master's program in a couple of months. This would've been doable with full-time employment had I not been pregnant.) This is a special time that I can actually slow down and I feel lucky for this opportunity.

I don't know what the future holds but I do know that I am enjoying the present.

9 comments:

  1. Yay for 10 weeks! I've been thinking of you and hoping you're doing well. Sounds like you most definitely are. xoxo

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  2. Amen sister! Celebrate today and inhale every moment of your pregnancy. When I knew that my baby would be my last, I tried to take as much of it in as I could knowing that I would never feel any of this again. So even the discomfort was relished in an odd way. Hurray for ten weeks! I'm so happy for you.

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  3. 10 weeks! That's awesome Amber. Enjoy every minute of it. :)
    I have the hardest time staying focused on the present, but it's something I'm working on - to enjoy every minute of our family of 2 before we add to it, instead of worrying about all that other stuff.. unfortunately I'm a researchaholic so I'm always reading stuff that unfocuses me from the present haha.

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  4. Congrats on 10 weeks. Be here now sounds like a great way to embrace what it is. Sending positive vibes your way.

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  5. Hugs, hugs and more hugs. Jumping up and down for you!

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  6. This is how we can "do it all" - one piece at a time! I was working part time when I did my master's and I had two kids who were in school/pre-school. Also, Amber, I am so happy for you that you have reached a point where you know this is your final pregnancy. It gives a different feel to the enjoyment of it.

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  7. I'm still hoping and praying for you.

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  8. The future will come, but now passes - lovely. I'm struggling with that right now. Virtual jumping up and down... because real jumps would be bad right about now.

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  9. This sickness sounds dreadful. To be wishing away the pregnancy (even for a moment) when you've wanted it so badly, means you are miserable. Dear One. You have my heart.

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