Monday, November 7, 2011

A Pregnant Sky

I watch as the clouds turn from a pleasant grey to a dark, heavy, and threatening charcoal grey.

Winter is peering over the hills, casting a long shadow over our small town. Daylight Savings Time has fooled us; no longer does the sky stay bright as the time clock ticks, nearing Closing Time.

The clouds, the darkness, and the expectations weigh heavily in the air as I wait for my family to pick me up.  Looming above me is the potential for a powerful storm.  I hold my breath, hoping it waits.

*****


Inside, the clouds of a different storm wait.  They twist and turn, growing heavier and darker by the day, consuming my mind with different thoughts.  I am not sure when this storm will hit--or, if it will blessedly pass me over.  Hope, excitement, and other positive emotions are squeezed out by nervousness, pain, and fear. Disappointment dots my landscape.  I push through, though, certain I can work the bad thoughts away.

*****


I am home with the kids and husband, lying in bed when the clouds release a torrential outpouring of rain.  It isn't the gentle pitter patter I had wanted; instead, the water slaps my windows, walls, and roof over and over again, jerking me awake as I listen to the sounds and hope our walls and windows keep us warm and safe.


*****


The storm inside is more complicated, silently waiting until I have relaxed to fully engage my mind, releasing a torrential outpouring of happy and sad, exhaustion and elation.  My insides shake as I am slapped consistently by a barrage of these competing emotions, attempting to decide which ones to focus on.


*****


I hide under my covers as the storms outside and inside converge, metaphorically, in a thunderous roar above my head.  The walls shake and I cower even further under the protection of warm blankets.  I tremble, not wanting to know the truth.  Or worse, to confront my fears.


But deep inside, as the storm rages on, I feel the shield of strength.  An umbrella emerging to protect my face and arms from the worst of the barrage as I confront my issues.  I take deep breaths and run through the storm, reaching my destination.  First one place, then the other, quickly making my rounds.   I finish, exhausted, but feeling Full.


The darkness and desperation have fled.  Yes, they might come back; but, this time I will be ready.  Fist clenched tightly around my medications: my relief and hope from the dangerous storm of mental illness.


*****I am linking up with Heather today, for her wonderful Just Write series.

11 comments:

  1. My heart is full of hope for you!

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  2. amber--how poetic you are. thank ou for continuing to share your feelings, life, and all.
    love, aunt sue

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  3. This is so beautifully written. I love the weave and the mirror.

    The feelings? Are relatable.

    Again, beautifully written.

    I hope that the sun peeks out soon. :)

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  4. Gorgeous writing. I felt like I was right there with you, cowering under the covers.

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  5. I hope you can rise above the storm clouds!

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  6. I love the symmetry you've woven into this. Here's to storms passing us by leaving us slightly weathered but still intact.

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  7. I could feel this. Like, feel it.

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  8. Wow - that was gorgeous and so... right. What a perfect metaphor, and so perfectly expressed.

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  9. I could feel every word of this post. Very moving write.

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