Friday, December 11, 2009

A Little Note....

I have received phone calls and e-mails wondering whether I am okay.

I am, I promise.

I have forgotten how flustering the first 2 months postpartum can be. I flounder and thrive. Thrive and flounder. A constant shift between these two states leaves me feeling weary. Breathless. I usually write when I reach a low-point because I feel down. I seek solace in written words because I lack the mindset to fully express my feelings. Sleeplessness and thinking coherent sentences are not comfortable companions.

I have had the sentiment expressed that I am too hard on myself. Perhaps this is true. Let me share my side of the tale to enlighten your understandings.

My husband is in school full-time. His classes consist of challenging pre-med courses. He is often up later than I and leaves before I manage to stumble out of bed. Despite his busy schedule, he comes home and cleans up the house. He helps with dinner. He takes the kids and listens to me complain. He loves me and our babies. He is an amazing man and husband.

I want to take care of him. I want to have dinner ready before he comes home. Have the living room and kitchen picked up so he can somewhat relax. I want to look composed and not frazzled. I want so many things that I know are impossible. At least right now. Mr. B understands. His expectations are not mine. He knows my struggles during the day. He remarks on how much I do, without a hint of sarcasm or complaint. He thanks me everyday.

Can you see why I want to be that "perfect wife?" Maybe not the perfect wife. At least a wife who manages to clean and cook with efficiency.

You are right. I do expect too much of myself. So does he. It is a fault that we share. Through sharing we grow. By growing we come closer together. These times are tough and rewarding. We are learning each other's strengths and weaknesses. We love and care for each other. When one is down, the other lifts up. Our expectations are high, too high, but life demands that we keep them this way. Maybe we could lower some, but not all.

I knew and expected this to happen when Mr. B declared his desire to become a doctor. I knew it would be rough. I knew I would struggle at times. I knew I may get lonely. I knew and said yes. I would gladly sacrifice these years for him because he gladly sacrifices them for me, as well.

Though I may feel lonely and down, I have found support in areas otherwise unexpected. Thank you, all of you, for sharing with me your thoughts. For encouraging me. For helping me through the last months of a tough pregnancy and the first months of a newborn baby. Melancholy posts are still in the making, but I am okay. I promise. You ensure that I smile, with your words of wisdom and daily thoughts. All I ask is that each of you continue writing. Your writing inspires me to continue down this desolate path.


  1. I love the way you summarize those early days with an infant and toddler: "I flounder and thrive. Thrive and flounder." That's just it, isn't it? But maybe that's life too? And you're getting immersion training?

    And bring on those melancholy posts. We're here to read and to listen, especially if getting those feelings out of your head and heart and onto the keyboard and screen helps you get through these thriving, floundering days.

  2. I remember realizing one day that I was feeling up for things and not so rollarcoaster-y. Then I realized I had slept through the night an entire week. The first months are hard and physically demanding, but they do pass. I promise.

  3. You are the perfect wife - for him. :)

    And Hell's YEAH you're in the ckub!

  4. So well put! I could've written the exact same thing about my current life (except Neil is done his studies and just trying to keep the clinic afloat).

    We'll get through this. The writing helps, as does friends who write and remind us we're not alone. Thank you for that reminder today.

  5. He is there for you daily and you for him. We are all here for you when you need to write, need to get it out.

  6. This is absolutely wonderful. Wonderful Wonderful Wonderful. What you have is a partnership. A sweet and lasting partnership. Recognizing and fostering this partnership will be the foundation for your family for the rest of your lives--as parents, as married souls.

    You need him. He needs you. You both expect the world of yourselves. Yet you both appear to forgive each other their faults and flaws. It is a beautiful thing, Ambrosia. Thank you for writing about it.

  7. What a lovely thank you note - to your readers, to your husband, to yourself.

    Continue to be honest and to be you.


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