I see the sparks fly in your eyes. I realize I have said something. Gone too far. I try and retract those words. They cannot be erased.
My tone is bitter. My smile nonexistent. The frown lines go deeper and deeper each successive minute.
It has been a long day.
Your silly words attempt to ease out the hidden smile. You try and try. I am resistant. Instead of cheer, I greet you with anger. Biting words. Sarcastic remarks.
I can see your smile waver.
You remind me we both have many things on our plate. Duties to fulfill. Responsibilities by the dozen.
My mind agrees. I understand your words. I try and relax.
I drop a dish.
I yell out in frustration. Tears sting my eyes. I cannot let you see them. I cannot let you in on the pain. It is my secret. Something I can't hide and can't share.
You wrap me in your arms.
"It was only a dish."
You are right. It was only a dish. But, this dish represents how I feel at times. What my world is like right now. When I finally reach the top of that high mountain, I fall. I fall and fall.
Is there no one there to catch me?
"There is me. I will catch you. I am here. Always here."
My eyes are open. The tears flow down my cheeks. I pour out my heart. You receive it with relief. With gladness. With love.
"Can we start over?" I meekly ask.
How do you start over?
8 hours ago
Can we ever start over? I am not sure. And I am not sure whether, even in our darkest falling moments, we would really want to start over. It is the tears, the stinging realization, the fleeting fits of pain and exasperation that make us who we are. It sounds to me like you have a wonderful man. And I love the metaphor of the breaking dish. It doesn't matter and yet it does, right?
ReplyDeleteLife is so full of these false starts...these stretches of thoughts and words and actions that don't match with who we want to be and how we want to feel. For me, starting over means being honest, both in sharing what's in my heart and in striving to be the me that the darkness has tied up and gagged in some remote corner of my mind. That's the thing about being overwhelmed and sleep deprived and down in the depths. Your true self begins to suffocate. It's part of where the anger and bitterness comes from because inwardly we rebel against that feeling but we don't know how to fight it constructively.
ReplyDeleteAnd then, suddenly, we do know. We find the right words, the right tone of voice, the courage to share...and we untie ourselves, as it were. Remember that feeling. It's too easy to forget we have the power to do that. ~hugs~
But love is really not like a broken plate, is it? A broken plate can't be put back together again, but you will wake up with your marriage intact in the morning and in a year you will never remember this day. I remember talking about what I called "the dog days" of my marriage - stress, stress, stress - but I can't actually remember the details anymore. Thank God!
ReplyDeleteYou can start over, just by doing what you did. Open your arms, hold someone tight, say those very important words: I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteI agree with TKW. I call do-overs all the time. I ask for forgiveness for my crazy behavior but at the same time I ask for UNDERSTANDING. As long as I am convinced that my behavior is understood (even if not agreed with) then I feel ok with a do-over. We all have these days. Those closest to us get it.
ReplyDeleteI so agree with what has been said--those words "I'm sorry" are so important.
ReplyDeleteI'm grateful I know I can "start over" each day. The Atonement lets me do that and I'm so grateful for it. I'm also very grateful for a husband who is there to put his arms around me and helps me to know it will be o.k.