Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Taking the Time

Whoooosh. I am back. I left for a month the regain my sanity. It didn't work as well as I hoped but, I do not feel like crying every other minute. Just every other day. The source of my intense emotions is school. Since I started attending full-time while trying to be a full-time mommy my better sense has been screaming at me: are you insane? I have this guilt complex. When my girly is screaming on the floor and I continue to type whatever it is that I am typing, I feel that I am the world's worst mom. She will undoubtedly grow up to struggle with attachment and resent her mother for ignoring her when in her infant years. Take yesterday, for instance, I was attempting to make lunch, pack up the stroller, my backpack, and her diaper bag, while she lay on the couch screaming her head off. Since I couldn't do all those things with her in my arms I just continually plopped the pacifier back in her mouth. Yep, I used that to comfort her rather than enveloping her in my arms. I know. It is necessary. This doesn't take away from the guilt trips I continually go through in my head. I think that exhaustion has a way of taking away any resolve that I have had. It also has a way of dulling my sense of reality.
I am doing okay. I am getting by with my husband's support and the love of Heavenly Father. I may not keep up perfectly with every one of my classes, but I am doing my best. That is all I can ask for.

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